[_two rules_] PREFACE. _T²HE writing of Characters was a Kind of Wit_ _much in Faſhion in the Beginning of the laſt_ _Century. The two principal Authors in this Way_ _were Sir_ Thomas Overbury, _and Dr._ John Earle _Tutor to Prince_ Charles _in_ 1643, _and after_ _the Reſtoration Dean of_ Weſtminſter, _and ſuc-_ _ceſſively Biſhop of_ Worceſter _and_ Saliſbury. _How_ _agreeable theſe Sorts of Eſſays were to the public_ _Taſte may be judged from Sir_ Thomas’s _little Book_ _having fourteen Editions before_ 1632, _and the_ _Biſhop’s ſix between_ 1628 _and_ 1633. _Whether_ Butler _has equalled or excelled them, and what_ _Place he is to hold in this Claſs of Writers muſt_ _be left to the Deciſion of the Public, as the Inte-_ _reſt and Prejudice of a Publiſher may render me_ _a ſuſpected or an incompetent Judge. The Reader_ _will have an Opportunity of determining for him-_ _ſelf, as they have all attempted to draw the ſame_ _Pictures._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ _As in ſuch a Variety of Characters there muſt_ _be ſome drawn from Originals in general the ſame,_ _and only differenced by particular Circumſtances,_ _the ſame Obſervations are ſometimes repeated._ _Whether the Author in this Caſe requires any Apo-_ _logy muſt be left to his Judges the Critics ; it is_ _enough for me that I can ſay I have done him_ _Justice in publiſhing them._ _As moſt of theſe Characters are dated when they_ _were compoſed, I can inform the curious, that they_ _were chiefly drawn up from_ 1667 _to_ 1669, _at_ _which time, as has been before obſerved,_ Butler _reſided in_ Wales _under the Protection of Lord_ Carbery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A HUFFING COURTIER I²S a Cypher, that has no Value himſelf, but from the Place he ſtands in. All his Hap- pineſs conſiſts in the Opinion he believes others have of it. This is his Faith, but as it is he- retical and erroneous, though he ſuffer much Tribulation for it, he continues obſtinate, and not to be convinced. He flutters up and down like a Butterfly in a Garden ; and while he is pruning of his Peruque takes Occaſion to con- template his Legs, and the Symmetry of his Britches. He is part of the Furniture of the Rooms, and ſerves for a walking Picture, a moving Piece of Arras. His Buſineſs is only to be ſeen, and he performs it with admirable Industry, placing himself always in the beſt Light, looking wonderfully Politic, and cau- tious whom he mixes withal. His Occupation is to ſhow his Cloaths, and if they could but walk themselves, they would ſave him the  ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Labour, and do his Work as well as himſelf. His Immunity from Varlets is his Freehold, and he were a loſt Man without it. His Cloaths are but his Taylor's Livery, which he gives him, for ’tis ten to one he never pays for them. He is very careful to diſcover the Lining of his Coat, that you may not ſuſpect any Want of Integrity of Flaw in him from the Skin outwards. His Taylor is his Creator, and makes him of nothing ; and though he lives by Faith in him, he is perpetually com_ mitting Iniquities againſt him. His Soul dwells in the Outſide of him, like that of a hollow Tree ; and if you do but pill the Bark off him he deceaſes immediately. His Carriage of himſelf is the wearing of his Cloaths, and, like the Cinamon Tree, his Bark is better than his Body. His looking big is rather a Tumor, than Greatneſs. He is an Idol, that has juſt ſo much Value, as other Men give him that believe in him, but none of his own. He makes his Ignorance paſs for Reſerve, and, like a Hunting-nag, leaps over what he cannot get through. He has juſt ſo much of Politics, as Hoſtlers in the Univerſity have _Latin_. He is as humble as a Jeſuit to his Superior ; but re- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ pays himſelf again in Inſolence over thoſe, that are below him ; and with a generous Scorn deſpiſes thoſe, that can neither do him good, nor hurt. He adores thoſe, that may do him good, though he knows they never will ; and deſpiſes thoſe, that would not hurt him, if they could. The Court is his Church, and he believes as that believes, and cries up and down every Thing, as he finds it paſs there. It is a great Comfort to him to think, that ſome who do not know him may perhaps take him for a Lord ; and while that Thought laſts he looks bigger than uſual, and forgets his Acquain- tance ; and that's the Reaſon why he will ſome- times know you, and ſometimes not. Nothing but want of Money or Credit puts him in mind that he is mortal ; but then he truſts Providence that ſomebody will truſt him ; and in Expectation of that hopes for a better Life, and that his Debts will never riſe up in Judg- ment against him. To get in debt is to labour in his Vocation ; but to pay is to forfeit his Protection ; for what’s that worth to one that owes Nothing ? His Employment being only to wear his Cloaths, the whole Account of his Life and Actions is recorded in Shopkeepers Books, that are his faithful Hiſtoriographers to ------------------------------------------------------------------------ their own Poſterity ; and he believes he loſes ſo much Reputation, as he pays off his Debts ; and that no Man wears his Cloaths in Faſhion, that pays for them, for noting is further from the Mode. He believes that he that runs in Debt is beforehand with thoſe that truſt him, and only thoſe, that pay, are behind. His Brains are turned giddy, like one that walks on the Top of a Houſe ; and that’s the Reaſon it is ſo troubleſome to him to look downwards. He is a Kind of Spectrum, and his Cloaths are the Shape he takes to appear and walk in ; and when he puts them off he vaniſhes. He runs as buſily out of one Room into another, as a great Practiſer does in _Weſtminſter_-Hall from one Court to another. When he accoſts a Lady he puts both Ends of his Microcoſm in Motion, by making Legs at one End, and combing his Peruque at the other. His Gar- niture is the Sauce to his Cloaths, and he walks in his Portcannons like one, that ſtalks in long Graſs. Every Motion of him crys _Vanity of_ _Vanities, all is Vanity,_ quoth the Preacher. He rides himself like a well-managed Horſe, reins in his Neck, and walks _Terra Terra_. He carries his elbows backward, as if he were ------------------------------------------------------------------------ pinioned like a truſt-up Fowl, and moves as ſtiff as if he was upon the Spit. His Legs are ſtuck in his great voluminous Britches, like the Whiſtles in a Bagpipe, thoſe abundant Britches, in which his nether Parts are not cloathed, but packt up. His Hat has been long in a Conſumption of the Faſhion, and is now almoſt worn to Nothing ; if it do not recover quickly it will grown too little for a Head of Garlick. He wears Garniture on the Toes of his Shoes to juſtify his Prentenſions to the Gout, or ſuch other Malady, that for the Time being is moſt in Fashion or Requeſt. When he ſalutes a Friend he pulls off his Hat, as Wo- men do their Vizard-Maſques. His Ribbons are of the true Complexion of his Mind, a Kind of painted Cloud or gawdy Rainbow, that has no Colour of it ſelf, but what is bor- rows from Reflection. He is as tender of his Cloaths, as a Coward is of his Fleſh, and as loth to have them diſordered. His Bravery is all his Happineſs ; and like _Atlas_ he carries his Heaven on his Back. He is like the golden Fleece, a fine Outſide on a Sheep’s Back. He is a Monſter or an _Indian_ Creature, that is good for nothing in the World but to be ſeen. He puts himſelf up into a Sedan, like a Fiddle ------------------------------------------------------------------------ in a Caſe, and is taken out again for the La- dies to play upon, who when they have done with him, let down his treble-String, till they are in the Humour again. His Cook and Va- let de Chambre conſpire to dreſs Dinner and him ſo punctually together, that the one may not be ready before the other. As Peacocks and Oſtridges have the gaudieſt and fineſt Feathers, yet cannot fly ; ſo all his Bravery is to flutter only. The Beggars call him _my Lord,_ and he takes them at their Words, and pays them for it. If you praiſe him, he is ſo true and faith- ful to the Mode, that he never fails to make you a Preſent of himſelf, and will not be re- fuſed, tho’ you know not what to do with him when you have him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] AN ANTIQUARY I²S one that has his Being in this Age, but his Life and Converſation is in the Days of old. He deſpiſes the preſent Age as an Inno- vation, and ſlights the future ; but has a great Value for that, which is paſt and gone, like the Madman, that fell in Love with _Cleopatra_. He is an old frippery-Philoſopher, that has ſo ſtrange a natural Affection to worm-eaten Speculation, that it is apparent he has a Worm in his Skull. He honours his Forefathers and Fore-mothers, but condemns his Parents as too modern, and no better than Upſtarts. He neglects himſelf, becauſe he was born in his own Time, and ſo far off Antiquity, which he ſo much admires ; and repines, like a younger Brother, becauſe he came ſo late into the World. He ſpends the one half of his Time in collecting old inſignificant Trifles, ------------------------------------------------------------------------ and the other in ſhewing them, which he takes ſingular Delight in ; becauſe the oftener he does it, the further they are from being new to him. All his Curiouſities take place of one another according to their Seniority, and he values them not by their Abilities, but their Standing. He has a great Veneration for Words that are ſtricken in Years, and are grown ſo aged, that they have out-lived their Employments---Theſe he uſes with a Reſpect agreeable to their An- tiquity, and the good Services they have done. He throws away his Time in enquiring after that which is paſt and gone ſo many Ages ſince, like one that ſhoots away an Arrow, to find out another that was loſt before. He fetches things out of Duſt and Ruins, like the Fable of the chymical Plant raiſed out of its own Aſhes. He values one old Invention, that is loſt and never to be recovered, before all the new ones in the World, tho’ never ſo uſeful. The whole Buſineſs of his Life is the ſame with his, that ſhows the Tombs at _Westminster_, only the one does it for his Pleaſure, and the other for Money. As every Man has but one Fa- ther, but two Grand-Fathers and a World of Anceſtors ; ſo he has a proportional Value ------------------------------------------------------------------------ for Things that are antient, and the further off the greater. He is a great Time-ſerver, but it is of Time out of Mind, to which he conforms exactly, but is wholly retied from the preſent. His Days were ſpent and gone long before he came into the World, and ſince his only Buſineſs is to collect what he can out of the Ruins of them. He has ſo ſtrong a natural Affection to any Thing that is old, that he may truly _ſay to_ _Duſt and Worms you are my Father, and to Rot-_ _tenneſs thou are my Mother_. He has no Provi- dence nor Fore-ſight ; for all his Contempla- tions look backward upon the Days of old, and his Brains are turned with them, as if he walked backwards. He had rather interpret one obſcure Word in any old ſenſeleſs Diſ- courſe, than be the Author of the moſt ingenious new one ; and with _Scaliger_ would ſell the Empire of _Germany_[1] (if it were in his Power) for an old Song. He devours an old Manuſ- cript with greater Reliſh than Worms and Moths do, and, though there be nothing in it, values ------------------------------------------------------------------------ it above any Thing printed, which he accounts but a Novelty. When he happens to cure a ſmall Botch in an old Author, he is as proud of it, as if he had got the Philoſophers Stone, and could cure all the Diſeaſes of Mankind. He values things wrongfully upon their Anti- quity, forgetting that the moſt modern are really the moſt ancient of all Things in the World, like thoſe that reckon their Pounds before their Shillings and Pence, of which they are made up. He eſteems no Cuſtoms but ſuch as have outlived themſelves, and are long ſince out of Uſe ; as the _Catholics_ allow of no Saints, but ſuch as are dead, and the _Fanatics_, Op- poſition, of none but the Living. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] A PROUD MAN I²S a Fool in Fermentation, that ſwells and boils over like a Porridge-Pot. He ſets out his Feathers like an Owl, to ſwell and ſeem bigger than he is. He is troubled with a Tu- mour and Inflammation of Self-Conceit, that renders every Part of him ſtiff and uneaſy. He has given himſelf Sympathetic Love-Pow- der, that works upon him to Dotage, and has transformed him into his own Miſtreſs. He is his own Gallant, and makes moſt paſſionate Addreſſes to his own dear Perfections. He commits Idolatry to himſelf, and worſhips his own Image ; though there is no Soul living of his Church but himſelf, yet he believes as the Church believes, and maintains his Faith with the Obſtinacy of a _Fanatic._ He is his own Favourite, and advance himſelf not only above his Merit, but all Mankind ; is both _Damon_ and _Pythias_ to his own dear ſelf, and values his ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Crony above his Soul. He gives Place to no Man but himſelf, and that with very great Diſtance to all others, whom he eſteems not worthy to approach him. He believes what- ſoever he has receives a Value in being his ; as a Horſe in a Nobleman’s Stable will bear a greater Price than in a common Market. He is ſo proud, that he is as hard to be acquainted with himſelf as with others ; for he is very apt to forget who he is, and knows himſelf only ſuperficially ; therefore he treats himſelf civilly as a ſtranger with Ceremony and Com- pliment, but admits of no Privacy. He ſtrives to look bigger than himſelf, as well as others, and is no better than his own Paraſite and Flatterer. A little Flood will make a ſhallow Torrent ſwell above its Banks, and rage, and foam, and yield a roaring Noiſe, while a deep ſilent Stream glides quietly on. So a vain- glorious inſolent proud Man ſwells with a little frail Proſperity, grows big and loud, and over- flows his Bounds, and when he ſinks, leaves Mud and Dirt behind him. His Carriage is as glorious and haughty, as if he were advan- ced upon Men’s Shoulders, or tumbled over their Heads like Knipperdolling. He fancies  ------------------------------------------------------------------------ himſelf a Coloſſe, and ſo he is, for his Head holds no Proportion to his Body, and his foun- dation is leſſer than his upper Stories. We can naturally take no view of our ſelves, un- leſs we look downwards, to teach us how humble Admirers we ought to be of our own Values. The ſlighter and leſs ſolid his Mate- rials are, the more Room they take up, and make him ſwell the bigger ; as Feathers and Cotton will ſtuff Cuſhions better than Things of more cloſe and ſolid Parts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A FIFTH-MONARCHY-MAN I²S one, that is not contented to be a Privy- Counſellor of the Kingdom of Heaven, but would fain be a Miniſter of State of this World, and tranſlate the Kingdom of Heaven to the Kingdom of Earth. His Deſign is to make _Chriſt_ King, as his Forefathers the _Jew_ did, only to abuſe and crucify him, that he might ſhare his Lands and Goods, as he did his Vice- gerents here. He dreams of a Fool's Paradiſe without a Serpent in it, a golden Age all of Saints, and no Hypocrites, all _holy-Court_ Princes, and no Subjects but the Wicked ; a Govern- ment of _Perkin Warbec_ and _Lambert Simnel_ Saints, where every Man, that had a Mind to it, might make himſelf a Price, and claim a Title to the Crown. He fancies a _fifth-Mo-_ _narchy_ as the Quinteſſence of all Governments, abſtracted from all Matter, and conſiſting ------------------------------------------------------------------------ wholly of Revelations, Viſions, and Myſteries. _John_ of _Leyden_ was the firſt Founder of it, and though he miſcarried, like _Romulus_ in a Tem- peſt, his Poſterity have Revelations every full Moon, that there may be a Time to ſet up his Title again, and with better Succeſs ; though his Brethren, that have attempted to ſince, had no ſooner quartered his Coat with their own, but their whole outward Men were ſet on the Gates of the City ; where a Head and four Quarters ſtand as Types and Figures of the _fifth-Monarchy._ They have been contriving (ſince Experiments, that coſt Necks are too chargea- ble) to try it in little, and have depoſed King _Oberon,_ to erect their Monarchy in _Fairy-Land,_ as being the moſt proper and natural Region in the whole World for their Government, and if it ſucceed there to proceed further. The _De-_ _vil's_ Proſpect of all the Kingdoms of the Earth, and the Glory of them, has ſo dazzled their Eyes, that they would venture their Necks to take him at his Word, and give him his Price. Nothing comes ſo near the Kingdom of Dark- neſs as the _fifth-Monarchy,_ that is no where to be found, but in dark Propheſies, obſcure My- thologies, and myſtical Riddles, like the Vi- ſions _Aeneas_ ſaw in Hell of the _Roman_ Empire. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Next this it moſt reſembles _Mahomet_’s Coming to the _Turks,_ and King _Arthur_’s Reign over the Britons in _Merlin_’s Propheſies ; ſo near of Kin are all fantaſtic Illuſions, that you may diſcern the ſame Lineaments in them all. The poor Wicked are like to have a very ill time under them, for they are reſolved upon arbitrary Go- vernment, according to their ancient and fun- damental Revelations, and to have no Subjects but Slaves, who between them and the _Devil_ are like to ſuffer Perſecution enough to make them as able Saints, as their Lords and Maſ- ters. He gathers Churches on the Sunday, as the _Jews_ did Sticks on their Sabbath, to ſet the State on Fire. He humms and hahs high Trea- ſon, and calls upon it, as Gameſters do on the Caſt they would throw. He groans Sedition, and, like the _Phariſee,_ rails, when he gives Thanks. He interprets Propheſies, as _Whitting- ton_ did the Bells, to ſpeak to him, and governs himſelf accordingly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] THE HENPECT MAN R²IDES behind his Wife, and lets her wear the Spurs and governs the Reins. He is a Kind of prepoſterous Animal, that being curbed in goes with his Tail forwards. He is but ſubordinate and miniſterial to his Wife, who commands in chief, and he dares do no- thing without her Order. She takes Place of him, and he creeps in at the Bed’s Feet, as if he had married the _Grand Seignor_’s Daughter, and is under Correction of her Pantofle. He is his Wife’s Villain, and has nothing of his own further than ſhe pleaſes to allow him. When he was married he promiſed to worſhip his Wife with his Soul inſtead of his Body, and endowed her among his worldly Goods with his Humanity. He changed Sexes with his Wife, and put off the old Man to put on the new Woman. She ſits as the Helm, and he does but tug like a Slave at the Oar. The little ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <<<<<<< HEAD Wit he has being held _in capite_ has rendered all/ the reſt of his Concerments liable to Pupi-/ lage and Wardſhip, and his Wife has the/ Tuition of his during his or her Life; and/ he has no Power to do any Thing of himſelf,/ but by his Guardian. His Wife manages him/ and his Eſtate with equal Authority, and he/ lives under her aribtrary Government and Com-/ mand as his ſuperior Officer. He is but a kind/ of Meſſuage and Tenement in the Occupation/ of his Wife. He and ſhe make up a Kind of/ Hermaphrodite, a Monſter, or which the one/ half is more than the whole; for he is the/ weaker Veſſel, and but his Wife's Helper. His/ Wife eſpouſed and took him to Huſband for/ better or worſe, and the laſt Word ſtands./ He was meant to be his Wife's Head, but being/ ſet on at the wrong End ſhe makes him ſerve/ (like the Jeſuits Devil) for her Feet. He is her/ Province, an Acquiſition that ſhe took in,/ and gives Laws to at Indiſcretion; for being/ overmatched and too feeble for the Encounter,/ he was forced to ſubmit and take Quarter./ He has inverted the Curſe, and turned it upon/ himſelf; for his Deſire is towards his Wife,/ and ſhe reign over him and with _Eſau_ has/ ſold his Birthright for a Meſs of Matrimony./ ======= Wit he has being held _in capite_ has rendered all the reſt of his Concerments liable to Pupi- lage and Wardſhip, and his Wife has the Tuition of his during his or her Life ; and he has no Power to do any Thing of himſelf, but by his Guardian. His Wife manages him and his Eſtate with equal Authority, and he lives unde rher aribtrary Government and Com- mand as his ſuperior Office. He is but a kind of Meſſuage and Tenement in the Occupation of his Wife. He and ſhe make up a Kind of Hermaphrodite, a Monſter, or which the one half is more than the whole ; for he is the weaker Veſſel, and but his Wife's Helper. His Wife eſpouſed and took him to Huſband for better or worſe, and the laſt Word ſtands. He was meant to be his Wife's Head, but being ſet on at the wrong End ſhe makes him ſerve (like the Jeſuits Devil) for her Feet. He is her Province, an Acquiſition that ſhe took in, and gives Laws to at Indiſcretion ; for being overmatched and too feeble for the Encounter, he was forced to ſubmit and take Quarter. He has inverted the Curſe, and turned it upon himſelf ; for his Deſire is towards his Wife, and ſhe reign over him, and with _Eſau_ has ſold his Birthright for a Meſs of Matrimony. >>>>>>> 159ee409900c95c1506e687c9b8acc6310246559 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ His Wife took his Liberty among his worldly Goods, to have and to hold till Death them do part. He is but Groom of his Wife’s Chamber, and her menial Huſband, that is always in waiting, and a Slave only in the Right of his Wife. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A SMALL POET I²S one, that would fain make himſelf that, which _Nature_ never meant him ; like a _Fa-_ _natic_, that inſpires himſelf with his own Whimſies. He ſets up Haberdaſher of ſmall Poetry, with a very ſmall Stock, and no Credit. He believes it is Invention enough to find out other Men’s Wit ; and whatſoever he lights upon either in Books, or Company, he makes bold with as his own. This he puts together ſo un- towardly, that you may perceive his own Wit has the Rickets, by the ſwelling Diſproportion of the Joints. Imitation is the whole Sum of him ; and his Vein is but an Itch or Clap, that he has catched of others ; and his Flame like that of Charcoals, that were burnt before : But as he wants Judgment to underſtand what is beſt, he naturally takes the worſt, as being moſt agreeable to his own Talent. You may ------------------------------------------------------------------------ know his Wit not to be natural, ’tis ſo un- quiet and troubleſome in him : For as thoſe, that have Money but ſeldom, are always ſhak- ing their Pockets, when they have it ; ſo does he, when he thinks he has got ſomething, that will make him appear. He is a perpetual Tal- ker ; and you may know by the Freedom of his Diſcourſe, that he came light by it, as Thieves ſpend freely what they get. He meaſures other Men’s Wits by _their_ Modeſty, and his own by _his_ Confidence. He makes nothing of writing Plays, becauſe he has not Wit enough to un- derstand the Difficulty. This makes him ven- ture to talk and ſcribble, as Chowſes do to play with cunning Gameſters, until they are cheated and laughed at. He is always talking of Wit, as thoſe, that have bad Voices, are always ſing- ing out of Tune ; and thoſe, that cannot play, delight to fumble on Inſtruments. He grows the unwiſer by other Men’s Harms ; for the worſe others write, he finds the more Encou- ragement to do ſo too. His Greedineſs of Praiſe is ſo eager, that he ſwallows any Thing, that comes in the Likeneſs of it, how notorious and palpable ſoever, and is as Shot-free againſt any Thing, that may leſſen his good Opinion ------------------------------------------------------------------------ of himſelf---This renders him incurable, like Diſeaſes, that grow inſenſible. If you diſlike him it is at your own Peril ; he is ſure to put in a Caveat beforehand againſt your Understanding ; and, like a Malefactor in Wit, is always furniſhed with Exceptions againſt his Judges. This puts him upon perpe- tual Apologies, Excuſes, and Defences, but ſtill by Way of Defiance, in a Kind of whif- fling Strain, without Regard of any Man, that ſtands in the Way of his Pageant. Where he thinks he may do it ſafely, he will confidently own other Men’s Writings ; and where he fears the Truth may be diſcovered, he will by feeble Denials and feigned Inſinua- tions give Men Occaſion to ſuppoſe ſo. If he underſtands _Latin_ or _Greek_ he ranks himſelf among the Learned, deſpiſes the Igno- rant, talks Criticiſms out of _Scaliger_, and re- peats _Martial_'s baudy Epigrams, and ſets up his Reſt wholly upon Pedantry. But if he be not ſo well qualified, he crys down all Learning as pedantic, diſclaims Study, and profeſſes to write with as great Facility, as if his Muſe was ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ſliding down _Parnaſſus_. Whatſoever he hears well ſaid[2] he ſeizes upon by poetical Licence ; and one Way makes it his own, that is by ill repeating of it---This he believes to be no more Theft, than it is to take that, which others throw away. By this means his Writings are, like a Taylor’s Cuſhion, of moſaic Work, made up of ſeveral Scraps ſewed together. He calls a ſlovenly naſty Deſcription _great Na-_ _ture_, and dull Flatneſs _strange Eaſineſs_. He writes down all that comes in his Head, and makes no Choice, becauſe he has nothing to do it with, that is Judgment. He is always repealing the old Laws of Comedy, and like the _long Parliament_ making _Ordinances_ in their Stead ; although they are perpetually _thrown_ _out_ of Coffee-Houſes, and come to Nothing. He is like an _Italian_ Thief, that never robs, but he murthers, to prevent Diſcovery ; ſo ſure is he to cry down the Man from whom he pur- loins, that his petty Larceny of Wit may paſs unſuſpected. He is but a Copier at beſt, and will never arrive to practice by the Life : For bar him the Imitation of ſomething he has read, and he has no Image in his Thoughts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Obſervation and Fancy, the Matter and Form of juſt Wit, are above his Philoſophy. He appears ſo over concerned in all Men’s Wits, as if they were but Diſparagements of his own ; and crys down all they do, as if they were Encroachments upon him. He takes Jeſts from the Owners and breaks them, as _Justices_ do falſe Weights, and Pots that want Meaſure. When he meets with any Thing, that is very good, he changes it into ſmall Money, like three Groats for a Shilling, to ſerve ſeveral Occaſions. He diſclaims Study, pretends to take Things in Motion, and to ſhoot flying, which appears to be very true by his often miſſing of his Mark. His Wit is much troubled with Obſtructions ; and he has Fits as painful as thoſe of the Spleen. He fancies him- ſelf a dainty ſpruce Shepherd, with a Flock and a fine ſilken Shepherdeſs, that follows his Pipe, as Rats did the Conjurers in _Germany_. As for _Epithets_, he always avoids thoſe, that are near akin to the Senſse. Such matches are unlawful, and not fit to be made by a _Chriſtian_ Poet ; and therefore all his Care is to chuſe out [^2]: [_footnote cont'd from prev. page_] _Quem recitas meus eſt, O Fidentine, libellus :_ _Sed male dum recitas, incipit eſſe tuus.    Mart. L. 1. Ep. 39._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ſuch, as will ſerve, like a wooden Leg, to piece out a main’d Verſe, that wants a Foot or two ; and if they will but rhimes now and then into the Bargain, or run upon a Letter, it is a Work of Supererrogation. For _Similitudes_, he likes the hardeſt and moſt obſcure beſt : For as Ladies wear black Patches, to make their Complexions ſeem fairer than they are ; ſo when an Illuſtration is more ob- ſcure than the Senſe that went before it, it muſt of Neceſſity make it appear clearer than it did : For Contraries are beſt ſet off with Con- traries. He has found out a Way to ſave the Expence of much Wit and Senſe : For he will make leſs than ſome have prodigally laid out upon five or ſix Words ſerve forty or fifty Lines. This is a thrifty Invention, and very eaſy ; and, if it were commonly known, would much in- creaſe the Trade of Wit, and maintain a Mul- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ titude of ſmall Poets in conſtant Employment. He has found out a new Sort of poetical _Geor-_ _gics_, a Trick of ſowing Wit like clover-graſs on barren Subjects, which would yield nothing before. This is very uſeful for the Times, wherein, ſome Men ſay, there is no Room left for new Invention. He will take three Grains of Wit like the Elixir, and projecting it upon the _Iron-Age_ turn it immediately into _Gold---_ All the Buſineſs of Mankind has preſently vaniſhed, the whole World has kept Holiday ; there has been no Men but Heroes and Poets, no Women but Nymphs and Shepherdeſſes ; Tress have born Fritters, and Rivers flowed Plum-Porrige. We read that _Virgil_ uſed to make[3] fifty or ſixty Verſes in a Morning, and afterwards re- duce them to ten. This was an unthrifty Vanity, and argues him as well ignorant in the Huſbandry of his own Poetry, as _Seneca_ ſays he was in that of a Farm ;[4] for in plain _Engliſh_ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ it was no better than bringing a Noble to Nine- pence. And as ſuch Courſes brought the _prodigal Son_ to eat with Hogs : So they did him to feed with Horſes,[5] which were not much better Company, and may teach us to avoid doing the like. For certainly it is more noble to take four or five Grains of Senſe, and, like a Gold-Beater, hammer them into ſo many Leaves as will fill a whole Book ; than to write nothing but Epitomies, which many wiſe Men believe will be the Bane and Calamity of Learning. When he writes, he commonly ſteers the Senſe of his Lines by the Rhime that is at the End of them, as Butchers do Calves by the Tail. For when he has made one Line, which is eaſy enough ; and has found out ſome ſturdy hard Word, that will but rhime, he will ham- mer the Senſe upon it, like a Piece of hot Iron upon an Anvil, into what Form he pleaſes. There is no Art in the World ſo rich in Terms as Poetry ; a whole Dictionary is ſcarce ------------------------------------------------------------------------ able to contain them : For there is hardly a Pond, a Sheep-walk, or a Gravel-pit in all _Greece_, but the antient Name of it is become a Term of Art in Poetry. By this means ſmall Poets have ſuch a Stock of able hard Words lying by them, as _Dryades_, _Hamadryades_, _Aonides_, _Fauni_, _Nymphae_, _Sylvani_, _&c_. that ſignify nothing at all ; and ſuch a World of pedantic Terms of the ſame Kind, as may ſerve to furniſh all the new Inventions and _thorough-Reformations_, that can happen between this and _Plato_’s great Year. When he writes he never propoſes any Scope or Purpoſe to himſelf, but gives his Genius all Freedom : For as he, that rides abroad for his Pleaſure, can hardly be out of his Way ; ſo he that writes for his Pleaſure, can ſeldom be be- ſide his Subject. It is an ungrateful Thing to a noble Wit to be confined to any Thing--- To what Purpoſe did the Antients feign _Pegaſus_ to have Wings, if he muſt be confined to the Road and Stages like a Pack-Horſe, or be forced to be obedient to Hedges and Ditches? There- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ fore he has no Reſpect to Decorum and Pro- priety of Circumſtance ; for the Regard of Perſons, Times, and Places is a Reſtraint too ſervile to be impoſed upon poetical Licence ; like him that made _Plato_[6] confeſs _Juvenal_ to be a Philoſopher, or _Perſius_, that calls the _Athe_- _nians Quirites_. For _Metaphors_, he uſes to chuſe the hardeſt, and moſt far-fet that he can light upon---Theſe are the Jewels of Eloquence, and therefore the harder they are, the more precious they muſt be. He’ll take ſcant Piece of coarſe Senſe, and ſtretch it on the Tenterhooks of half a ſcore Rhimes, until it crack that you may ſee through it, and it rattle like a Drum-Head. When you ſee his Verſes hanged up in Tobacco-Shops, you may ſay, in defiance of the Proverb, _that_ _the weakeſt does not always go to the Wall_ ; for ’tis ------------------------------------------------------------------------ well known the Lines are ſtrong enough, and in that Senſe may juſtly take the Wall of any, that have been written in our Language. He ſeldom makes a Conſcience of his Rhimes ; but will often take the Liberty to make _preach_ rhime with _Cheat_, _Vote_ with _Rogue_, and _Com_- _mittee-Man_ with _Hang_. He’ll make one Word of as many Joints, as the Tin-Pudding, that a Jugler pulls out of his Throat, and chops in again---What think you of _glud-fum-flam-hasta-minantes ?_ Some of the old _Latin_ Poets[7] bragged, that their Verſes were tougher than Braſs, and harder than Marble ; what would they have done, if they had ſeen theſe ? Verily they would have had more reaſon to wiſh themſelves an hundred Throats, than they then had, to pronounce them. There are ſome, that drive a Trade in writ- ing in praiſe of other Writers, (like Rooks, _Exegi monumentum ære perennius_ _Regalique ſitu Pyramidum altius_      _Hor_. L. 3. O. 30 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ that bet on Gameſters Hands) not at all to ce- lebrate the learned Author's Merits, as they would ſhew, but their own Wits, of which he is but the Subjec_t. The Letchery of this Va- nity has ſpawned more Writers than the * civil Law: * For thoſe, whoſe Modeſty muſt notorious Va- pours imaginable. For if the Privilege of Love be allowed--* Dicere quae* puduit, ſcribere juſſit Amor,* why ſhould it not be ſo in Self- Love too? For if it be Wiſdom to conceal our Imperfec_tions, what is it to diſcover our Vir- tues? It is not like, that * Nature * gave Men great Parts upon ſuch Terms, as the * Fairies _ uſe to give Money, to pinch and leave them if they ſpeak of it. They ſay--_Praiſe is but the Shadow of Virtue; * and ſure that Virtue is very foolish, that is afraid of its own Shadow. When he writes * Anograms, * he uſes to lay the Outſides of his Verſes even (like a Brick- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ layer) by a Line of Rhime and Acroſtic, and fill th eMiddle with Rubbiſh--In this he imi- tates * Ben Johnson, * but in nothing elſe. There was one, that lined a Hat-Caſe with a Paper of * Benlowſe'_s Poetry--_ Prynne * bought it by Chance, and put a new Demi-Caſtor into it. The firſt Time he wore it he felt only a ſinging in his Head, which within two Days turned to a Vertigo--He was let Blood in the Ear by one of the State-Phyſicians, and reco- vered; but before he went abroad he writ a Poem of Rocks and Seas, in a Stile ſo proper and natural, that it was hard to determine, which was ruggeder. There is no Fear of Ac_tivity, nor Gambol of Wit, that ever was performed by Man, from him that vaults on * Pegasus, * to him that tumbles through the Hoop of an Anagram, but * Benlows * has got the Maſtery in it, whether it be high-rope Wit, or low-rope Wit. He son means was ....... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ has all Sorts of * Echoes, Rebus's, Chronograms,/ &c.* beſides * Carwichets, Clenches, * and * Quibbles--_/ As for _ Altars * and * Pyramids * in Poetry, he has/ out-done all Men that Way; for he has/ made a * Gridiron, * and a * Frying-Pan * in Verſe,/ that, beſide the Likeneſs in Shape, the very/ Tone and Sound of the Words did perfec_tly/ repreſent the Noiſe, that is made by thoſe/ Utenſils, ſuch as the old Poet called * ſartago lo-/ quendi. * When he was Captain, he made all/ the Furniture of his Horſe, from the Bit to/ the Crupper, in beaten Poetry, every Verſe/ being fitted to the Proportion of the Thing,/ with a moral Alluſion of the Senſe to the/ Thing; as the * Bridle of Moderation, the Saddle/ of Content, * and * the Crupper of Conſtancy;* ſo that/ the ſame Thing was both Epigram and Emblem,/ even as Mule is both Horſe and Aſs. Some Critics are of Opinion, that Poets/ ought to apply themselves to the Imitation of/ * Nature, * and make a Conſcience of digreſſing/ from her; but he is none of theſe. The an-/ tient Magicians could charm down the Moon,/ and force Rivers back to their Springs by the/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Power of Poetry only; and the Moderns will/ undertake to turn the Inſide of the Earh out-/ ward (like a Jugler's Pocket) and ſhake the/ Chesſ out of it, make * Nature * ſhew Tricks like/ an Ape, and the Stars run on Errands; but/ ſtill it is by dint of Poetry. And if Poets can/ so ſuch noble Feats, they were unwiſe to deſ-/ cend to mean and vulgar: For where the rareſt/ and moſt common Things are of a Price (as/ they are all one to Poets) it argues Diſease in/ Judgement not to chuſe the most curious. Hence/ ſome infer, that the Account they give of things/ deſerves no Regard, becauſe they never receive/ any Thing, as they find it, into their Compo-/ ſitions, unleſs it agree both with the Meaſure/ of their own Fancis, and the Meaſure of their/ Lines, which can very ſeldom happen: And/ therefore when they give a Character of any/ Thing or Perſon, it does commonly bear no/ more Proportions to the Subject, than the Fiſhes/ and Ships in a Map do to the Scale. But let/ ſuch know, that Poets, as well as Kings, ought/ rather to conſider what is fit for them to give,/ than others to receive; that they are fain to/ have regard to the Exchange of Language, and/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ write high or low, according as that runs:/ For in this Age, when the ſmallest Poet ſeldom/ goes below more then moſt, it were a Shame for/ a grater and more noble Poet not to out-throw/ that cut a Bar. T²here was a * Tobacco-Man, * that wrapped / _Spaniſh _ Tobacco in a Paper of Verſes, which/ _Benlows_ had written againſt the * Pope, * which/ by a natural Antipathy, that his Wit has to / any Thing that's Catholic, ſpoiled the Tobacco;/ for it preſently turned Mundungus. This Au-/ thor will take an * English * Word, and, like the/ * Frenchman, * that ſwallowed Water and ſpit it/ out Wine, with a little Heaving and Straining/ would turn it immediately into * Latin,* as * plun-/ derat ille Domos_--Mille _ Hocopokiana, * and a thou-/ ſand ſuch./ / ##There was a young Practitioner in Poetry,/ that found there was no good to be done with-/ out a Miſtreſs: For he, that writes of Love/ before he hath tried it, doth but travel by the/ Map; and he, that makes Love without a/ Dame, does like a Gameſter, that plays for/ / #*More the moſt] There is an appearance Defect or Error in theſe/ Words; but I leave it to the Reader to ſupply or correct./ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nothing. He thought it convenient therefore,/ firſt to furniſh himſelf with a Name for his/ Miſstress beforehand, that he might not be to/ ſeek, when his Merit or good Fortune ſhould/ beſtow her upon him: for every Poet is his/ miſtreſſe's Godfather, and gives her a new/ Name, like a Nun that takes Orders. He was/ very curious to ſit himself with a handſome/ Word of a turnable Sound; but could light/ upon none, that ſome Poet or other had not / made uſe of before. He was therefore forced/ to fall to coining, and was ſeveral Months be-/ fore he could light on one, that pleaſed him/ perfectly. But after he had overcome that Dif-/ ficulty, he found a greater remaining, to get a/ Lady to own him. He accoſted ſome of all/ Sorts, and gave them to underſtand, both in/ Proſe and Verſe, how incomparably happy it/ was in his Power to make his Miſtreſs, but/ could never convert any of them. At length/ he was fain to make his Landreſs ſupply that/ Place as Proxy, until his good Fortune, or/ ſomebody of better Quality would be more / kind to him, which after a while he neither/ hoped nor cared for; for how mean Toever her/ Condition was before, when he had once pre-/ tended to her, ſhe was ſure to be a Nymph and/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ a Goddeſs. For what greater Honour can a/ Woman be capable of, than to be tranſlated/ into precious Stones and Stars? No Herald in/ the World can go higher. Beſides se found no/ Man can uſe that Freedom of Hyperbole in the/ Character of a Perſon commonly known (as/ great Ladies are) which we can in deſcribing/ one ſo obſcure and unknown, that nobody can/ diſprove him. For he, that writes but one/ Sonnet upon any of the public Perſons, ſhall/ be ſure to have his Reader at ever third Word/ cry out--What an Aſs is this to call * Spaniſh/ paper and Ceruſe Lillies and Roſes, * or * claps In-/ fluences--* To ſay, * the Graces are her waiting Wo-/ men, * when they are known to be no better/ than her Bawdes--that * Day breaks from her/ Eyes, _when ſhe looks aſquint--Or that _ her/ Breath perfumes the Arabian Winds, * when ſhe/ puffs Tobacco?/ / ##It is no mean Art to improve a Language,/ and find out Words, that are not only removed/ from common uſe, but rich in Conſonanats,/ the Nerves and Sinews of Speech, to raiſe a/ / --- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ſft and feeble Language like ours to the Pitch/ of * High-Dutch,* as he did, that writ - Arts rattling Foreſkins ſhrilling Bagpipes quell.*/ This is not the only the moſt elegant, but moſt po-/ litic Way of Writing, that a Poet can uſe; for I/ know no Defence like it to preſerve a Poem from/ the Torture of thoſe that liſp and ſtammer./ He that wants Teeth may as well venture upon/ a Piece of tough horny Brawn as ſuch a Line,/ for he will look like an Aſs eating Thiſtles. He never begins a Work without an Invoca-/ tion of his * Muse; * for it is not fit that ſhe ſhould/ appear in public, to ſhew her Skill before ſhe/ is entreated, as Gentlewomen do not uſe to / ſing, until they are applied to, and often deſired. I ſhall not need to ſay any this of the Ex-/ cellence of Poetry, ſince it has been already/ performed by many excellent Perſons, among/ whom ſome have lately undertaken to prove, that/ the civil Government cannot poſſibly ſubſiſt with-/ out it, which, for my Part, I believe to be true - ſome have lately. _] This alludes to _ Davenant--See * G--- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ in a poetical Senſe, and more probable to be/ received of it, than thoſe ſtrange Feats of/ building Walls and making Trees dance,/ which Antiquity aſcribes to Verſe. And though/ * Philoſophers * are of a contrary Opinion, and will/ not allow Poets fit to live in a Commonwealth,/ their Partiality is plainer than their Reaſons;/ for they have no other Way to pretend to this/ Prerogative themſelves, as they do, but by re-/ moving Poets, whom they know to have a/ fairer Title; and this they do unjuſtly, that/ * Plato, * who firſt baniſhed Poets his Republic,/ forgot that the very Commonwealth was poe-/ tical. I ſhall ſay nothing to them, but only/ deſire the World to conſider, how happily it is/ like to be governed by thoſe, that are as ſo per-/ petual a civil War among themſelves, that if we/ ſhould ſubmit ourſelves to their own Reſolution/ of this Question, and be content to allow them/ only fit to rule if they could but conclude it/ ſo themselves, they would never agree upon it--/ Mean while there is no leſs Certainty and Agree-/ ment in Poetry than the Mathematics; for they/ all ſubmit the to the ſame Rules without Diſpute or/ Controverſy. But whoſoever ſhall pleaſe to look/ into the Records of Antiquity ſhall find their/ Title ſo unqueſtioned, that the greatest Princess ------------------------------------------------------------------------ in the whole World have been glad to derive/ their Pedigrees, and their Power too, from/ Poets. * Alexander * the great had no wiſer a Way/ so ſecure the Empire to himſelf by * Right, _/ which he had gotten by _ Force, * then by de-/ claring himſelf the Son of * Jupiter; * and who/ was * Jupiter * but the Son of a Poet? So * Caeſar _/ and all _ Rome * was transported with Joy, when a/ Poet made * Jupiter * his Colleague in the Empire;/ and when * Jupiter * governed, what did the/ Poets, that governed Jupiter? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ - curo-Gaſſendo-Charltoniana, * will not ſerve to maintain one Pedant. He makes his Hypo- theſes himſelf, as a Taylor does a Doublet with- out Meaſure, no Matter whether they ſit * Na- ture, * he can make * Nature * fit them, and, whe- ther they are too ſtrait or wide, pinch or fluff out the Body accordingly. He judges fo the Works of * Nature * just as the Rabble do of State-Affairs: They ſee things done, and every Man according to his Capacity gueſſes as the Reaſons of them, but knowing nothing of the Arena or ſecret Movements of either, they ſeldom or never are in the Right; howſoever they pleaſe themſelves, and ſome others, with their Fancies, and the further they are off Truth, the more confident they are the are near it; as thoſe, that are out of their Way, believe, the further they have gone, they are the nearer their Journey's End, when they are furtheſt of all from it. He is confident of im- material Subſtances, and his Rea_sons are very pertinent, that is, _ ſubstantial * as he thinks, and - immaterial * as others do. Heretofore his Beard/ was the Badge of his Profeſſion, and the Length ---Footnote ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER [ 131 ] Double Rule CENTER A CENTER FANTASTIC [Double line capital]Is one that wears his Feather on the Ins_ide of his Head. His Brain is like Quicks_ilver, apt to receive any Impres_s_ion, but retain none. His Mind is made of changeable Stuff, that alters Colour with every Motion towards the Light. He is a Cormorant, that has but one Gut, devours every Thing greedily, but it runs through him immediately. He does not know s_o much as what he would be, and yet would be every Thing he knows. He is like a Paper- Lanthorn, that turns with the Smoak of a Candle. He wears his Cloaths, as the antient Laws of the Land have provided, according to his Quality, that he may be known what he is by them; and it is as eas_y to decipher him by his Habit as a [i] Pudding. He is rigg'd with Ribbon, and his Garniture is his Tackle; #Center K2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 132 #Center A FANTASTIC. all the res_t of him is Hull. He is s_ure to be the earlies_t in the Fas_hion, as others are of a Faction, and glories as much to be in the Head of a Mode, as a Solider does to be in the Head of an Army. He is admirably s_kil- ful in the Mathematics of Cloaths; and can tell, at the firs_t View, whether they have the right Symmetry. He alters his Gate with the Times, and has not a Motion of his Body, that (like a Dottrel) he does not borrow from s_ome- body els_e. He exercis_es his Limbs, like the Pike and Mus_ket, and all his Pos_tures are prac- tis_ed--Take him all together, and he is nothing but a Trans_lation, Word for Word, out of [i] French, [i] an Image cas_t in Plas_ter of [i] Paris, [i] and a Puppet s_ent over for others to dres_s thems_elves by. He s_peaks [i] French, [i] as Pedants do [i] Latin, [i] to s_hew his Breeding; and mos_t naturally, where he is leas_t unders_tood. All his non-Na_ turals, on which his Health and Dis_eases de- pend, are [i] s_tile novo. French [i] is his Holiday-Lan- guage, that he wears for his Pleas_ure and Or- nament, and us_es [i] English [i] only for his Bus_ines_s and neces_s_ary Occas_ions. He is like a [i] Scotch- man, [i] though he is born a Subject of his own ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER A FANTASTIC. 133. Nation, he carries a [i] French [i] faction within him. #indent He is never quiet, but s_its as the Wind is s_aid to do, when it is mos_t in Motion. His Head is as full of Maggots as a Pas_toral Poet's Flock. He was begotten, like one of Pliny's Portugues_e Hors_es, by the Wind--The Truth is he ought not to have been reared; for being calved in the Increas_e of the Moon, he Head is troubled with a --- N.H. The las_t Word not legible. #Center K3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A MELANCHOLY MAN I²s one, that keeps the worſt Company in the World, that is, his own; and tho' he be al- ways falling out and quarrelling with himſelf, yet he has not power to endure any other Con- verſation. His Head is haunted, like a Houſe, with evil Spirits and Apparitions, that terrify and fright him out of himſelf, till he ſtands empty and forſaken. His Sleeps and his Wa- kings are ſo much the ſame, that he knows not how to diſtinguiſh them, and many times when he dreams, he believes he is broad awake and ſees Viſions. The Fumes and Vapours that riſe from his Spleen and Hypocondries have ſo ſmutched and ſullied his Brain (like a Room that ſmoaks) that his Underſtanding is blear-ey'd, and has no right Perception of any Thing. His Soul lives in his Body, like a Mole in the Earth, that labours in the Dark, and caſts up Doubts and Scruples of his own ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Imagination, to make that rugged and uneaſy, that was plain and open before. His Brain is ſo cracked, that he fancies himſelf to be Glaſs, and is afraid that every Thing he comes near ſhould break him in Pieces. Whatſoever makes an Impreſſion in his Imagination works it ſelf in like a Screw, and the more he turns and winds it, the deeper it ſticks, till it is never to be got out again. The Temper of his Brain being earthy, cold, and dry, is apt to breed Worms, that ſink ſo deep into it, no Medicine in Art or Nature is able to reach them. He leads his Life, as one leads a Dog in a Slip that will not follow, but is dragged along until he is almoſt hanged, as he has it often under Conſideration to treat himſelf in convenient Time and Place, if he can but catch himſelf alone. After a long and mortal Feud between his inward and his outward Man, they at length agree to meet without Seconds, and decide the Quarrel, in which the one drops, and the other ſinks out fo the Way, and makes his Eſcape into ſome foreign World, from whence is it never after heard of. He converſes with nothing ſo much as his own Imagination, which being apt to miſrepreſent Things to him, ------------------------------------------------------------------------ makes him believe, that it is ſomething elſe than it is, and that he holds Intelligence with Spirits, that reveal whatſoever he fancies to him, as the antient rude People, that firſt heard their own Voices repeated by Echoes in the Woods, concluded it muſt proceed from ſome invisible Inhabitants of thoſe ſolitary Places, which they after believed to be Gods, and called them _Sylvans, Fauns,_ and _Dryads._ He makes the Infirmity of his Temper paſs for Revelations, as _Mahomet_ did by his falling Sickneſs, and inſpires himſelf with the Wind of his own Hypocondries. He laments, like _Heraclitus_ the Maudlin Philoſopher, at other Men's Mirth, and take Pleaſures in nothing but his own un-ſober Sadneſs. His Mind is full of Thoughts, but they are all empty, like a Neſt of Boxes. He ſleeps little, but dreams much, and ſoundeſt when he is waking. He ſees Viſions further off than a ſecond-ſighted Man in _Scotland,_ and dreams upon a hard Point with admirable Judgement. He is juſt ſo much worſe than a Madman, as he is below him in Degree of Frenzy; for among Madmen the moſt mad govern all the reſt, and receive a natural Obedience from their Inferiors. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER [137] DOUBLE RULE CENTER AN CENTER HARANGUER [I]s one, that is s_o delighted with the s_weet/ [I] Sound of his own Tongue, that [i] William Prynne [i] will s_ooner lend an Ear, than he, to any Thing els_e. His Meas_ure of Talk is till his Wind is s_pent; and then he is not s_ilenced, but becalmed. His Ears have catched the Itch of his Tonuge, and though he s_cratch them, like a Beas_t with his Hoof, he finds a Pleas_ure in it. A [i] s_ilenced Minis_ter, [i] has more Mercy on the Government in a s_ecure Conven- ticle, than he has on the Company, that he is in. He s_hakes a Man by the Ear, as a Dog does a Pig, and never loos_es his Hold, till he has tired hims_elf, as well as his Patient. He does not talk to a Man, but attack him, and whoms_oever he can get into his Hands he lays violent Language on. If he can he will run a Man up agains_t a Wall, and hold him at a ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 138 #Center AN HARANGUER. Bay by the Buttons, which he handles as bad as he does his Pers_on, or the Bus_ines_s he treats upon. When he finds him begin to s_ink, he holds him by the Cloaths, and feels him as a Butcher does a Calf, before he kills him. He is a walking Pillory, and crucifies more Ears than a dozen s_tanding ones. He will hold any Argument rather than his Tongue, and main- tain both s_ides at his own Charge; for he will tell you what you will s_ay, though, perhaps, he does not intend to give you leave. He lugs Men by the Ears, as they correct Children in [i] Scotland, [i] and will make them tingle, while he talks with them, as s_ome s_ay they will do, when a Man is talked of in his Abs_ence. When he talks to a Man, he comes up clos_e to him, and like an old Solider lets fly in his Face, or claps the Bore of his Pis_tol to his Ear, and whispers aloud, that he may be s_ure not to mis_s his Mark. His tongue is always in Mo- tion, tho very s_eldom to the Purpos_e, like a Barber's Scis_s_ers, which are always s_nipping, as well when they do not cut, as when they do. His Tongue is like a Bagpipe Drone, that has no Stop, but makes a continual ugly Nois_e, hims*elf. He never leaves a Man until he has 3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER AN HARANGUER. #JUSTIFYLEFT 139 RUN HIM DOWN, AND THEN HE WINDS A DEATH OVER HIM. A SOW-GELDER'S HORN IS NOT S_O TERRIBLE TO DOGS AND CATS, AS HE IS TO ALL THAT KNOW HIM. HIS WAY OF ARGUMENT IS TO TALK ALL, AND HEAR TO CONTRADICTION. FIRS_T HE GIVES HIS ANTAGONIS_T THE LENGTH OF THE WIND, AND THEN, LET HIM MAKE HIS APPROACHES IF HE CAN, HE IS S_URE TO BE BEFOREHAND WITH HIM. OF ALL DIS_S_OLUTE DIS_EAS_ES THE RUNNING OF THE TONGUE IS THE WORS_T, AND THE HARDES_T TO BE CURED. IF HE HAPPEN AT ANY TIME TO BE AT A STAND, AND ANY MAN ELS_E BEGINS TO S_PEAK, HE PRES_ENTLY DROWNS HIM WITH HIS NOIS_E, AS A WATER-DOG MAKES A DUCK DIVE: FOR WHEN YOU THINK HE HAS DONE HE FALLS ONE, AND LETS FLY AGAIN, LIKE A GUN, THAT WILL DIS_CHARGE NINE TIMES WITH ONE LOADING. HE IS A RATTLES_NAKE, THAT WITH HIS NOIS_E GIVES MEN WARNING TO AVOID HIM, OTHERWIS_E HE WILL MAKE THEM WIS_H THEY HAD. HE IS, LIKE A BELL, GOOD FOR NOTHING BUT TO MAKE A NOIS_E. HE IS LIKE COMMON FAME, THAT S_PEAKS MOS_T AND KNOWS LEAS_T, LORD [I] BROOKS, [I] OR A WILDGOOS_E AL- WAYS CACKLING WHEN HE IS UPON THE WING. HIS TONGUE IS LIKE ANY KIND OF CARRIAGE, THE LES_S WEIGHT IT BEARS, THE FAS_TER AND EAS_IER IT GOES. HE IS S_O FULL OF WORDS, THAT THEY RUN OVER, AND ARE THROWN AWAY TO NO PURPOS*E; AND ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 140 #Center AN HARANGUER. s_o empty of Things, or Sens_e, that his Dry- nes_s has made his Leaks s_o wide, whats_oever is put in him runs out immediately. He is s_o long in delivering hims_elf, that thos_e that hear him des_ire to be delivered too, or dis_patched out of their Pain. He makes his Dis_course the longer with often repeating [i] to be s_hort, [i] and talks much of [i] in fine, [i] but never means to come near it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER [ 141 ] DOUBLE RULE CENTER A CENTER POPISH PRIEST [I]s one that takes the s_ame Cours_e, that the IDevil (i) did in Paradis_e, he begins with the Woman. He Des_pis_es all other (i)Fanatics (i) as Up- s_tarts, and values hims_elf upon his Antiquity. He is a Man-Midwife to the Soul, and is all his Life-time in this World deluding it to the next. (i) Christ (i) made St. (i) Peter (i) a Fis_her of Men ; but he believe it better to be a Fis_her of Wo- men, and s_o becomes a Woman's Apos_tle. His Profes_s_ion is to dis_guise hims_elf, which he does in Sheeps-Cloathing, that is, a Lay Habit ; but whether, as a Wolf, a Thief or a Shep- herd, is a great Question ; only this is certain, that he had rather have one Sheep out of ano- ther Man's Fold, that two out of his own. He gathers his Church as (i) Fantaics do, yet des_- pis_es them for it, and keeps his Flock always in Hurdles, to be removed at his Pleas_ure ; and though their Souls be rotten or s*cabby with ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 142 #Center A POPISH PRIEST. Hypocris_y, the Fleece is s_ure to be s_ound and orthodox. He tars their Cons_ciences with Confes_s_ion and Penance, but always keeps the Wool, that he pulls from the Sore, to hims_elf. He never makes a Pos_clyte, but he (i) converts (i) him to his very Shirt, and (i) turns (i) his Pockets into the Bargain ; for he does nothing unles_s his Purs_e prove a good (i) Catholic. (i) He never gets within a Family, but he gets on the Top of it, and governs all down to the Bottom of the Cellar--He will not tolerate the Scullion un- les_s he be othrodox, nor allow of the turning of the Spit, but (i) in ordine ad Spiritualia. (i) His (i) Dominion is not founded in Grace, (i) but Sin ; for he keeps his Subjects in perfect Awe by being acquainted with their mos_t s_acred Iniquities, as (i) Juvenal (i) s_aid of the (i) Greeks. (i) #indent (i) Scire volunt s_ecreta domus, atque in de timeri. (i) By this means he holds Intelligence with their own Cons_ciences agains_t thems_elves, and keeps their very Thoughts in Slavery ; for Men com- monly fear thos_e that know any Evil of them, and out of Shame give Way to them. He is very cautious in venturing to attack any Man by Way of Convers_ion, whos_e Weaknes_s he is not very well acquainted with ; and like the ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER A POPISH PRIEST. #LEFT 143 FOX, WEIGHS HIS GOOS_E, BEFORE HE WILL VENTURE TO CARRY HIM OVER A RIVER. HE FIGHTS WITH THE (I) DEVIL (I) AT HIS OWN WEAPONS, AND S_TRIVES TO GET GROUND ON HIM WITH FRAUDS AND LIES--THES_E HE CONVERS TO PIOUS US_ES. HE MAKES HIS PRAYERS (THE PROPER BUS_INES_S OF THE MIND) A KIND OF MANUFACTURE, AND VENTS THEM BY TALE, RATHER THAN WEIGHT ; AND, WHILE HE IS BUS_IED IN NUMBERING THEM, FORGETS THEIR SENS_E AND MEANING. HE S_ETS THEM UP AS MEN DO THEIR GAMES AT (I) PICQUET, (I) FOR FEAR HE S_HOULD BE MIS_- RECKONED; BUT NEVER MINDS WHETHER HE PLAYS FAIR OR NOT. HE S_ELLS INDULGENCES, LIKE (I) LOCKIER'S (I) PILLS, WITH DIRECTIONS HOW THEY ARE TO BE TAKEN. HE IS BUT A COPYHOLDER OF THE (I) CATHOLIC (I) CHURCH, THAT CLAIMS BY CUS_TOM. HE BELIEVES THE (I) POPE'S (I) CHAIN IS FAS_TENED TO THE GATES OF HEAVEN, LIKE KING (I) HARRY'S (I) IN THE PRIVY-GALLERY./ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER [144] DOUBLE RULE CENTER A CENTER TRAVELLER [I]s a Native of all Countries, and an Alien at [I]Home. He flies from the Place where he was hatched, like a Wildgoos_e, and prefers all others before it. He has no Quarrel to it, but becaus_e he was born in it, and like a Bas_tard, he is as_hamed of his Mother, becaus_e s_he is of him. He is a Merchant, that makes Voyages into foreign Nations, to drive a Trade in Wis_- dom and Politics, and it is not for his Credit to have it thought, he has made an ill Return, which mus_t be, if he s_hould allow of any of the Growth of his own Country. This makes him quick and blow up hims_elf with Admira- tion of foreign Parts, and a generous Con- tempt of Home, that all Men may admire, at leas_t, the means he has had of Improvement, and deplore their own Defects_. His Obs_erva- tions are like a Sieve, that lets the finer Flour pas_s, and retains only the Bran of Things; ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER A TRAVELLER. #JUSTIFY LEFT 145 FOR HIS WHOLE RETURN OF WIS_DOM PROVES TO BE BUT AFFECTATION, A PERIS_HABLE COMMODITY, WHICH HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PUT OFF. HE BELIEVES ALL MEN'S WITS ARE AT A S_TAND, THAT S_TAY AT HOME, AND ONLY THOS_E ADVANCED, THAT TRAVEL ; AS IF CHANGE OF PAS_TURE DID MAKE GREAT POLITI- CIANS, AS WELL AS FAT CALVES. HE PITIES THE LITTLE KNOWLEDGE OF TRUTH WHICH THOS_E HAVE, THAT HAVE NOT S_EEN THE WORLD ABROAD, FORGETTING, THAT AT THE S_AME TIME HE TELLS US, HOW LITTLE CREDIT IS TO BE GIVEN TO HIS OWN RELATIONS AND THOS_E OF OTHERS, THAT S_PEAK AND WRITE OF THEIR TRAVELS. HE HAS WORN HIS OWN LANGUAGE TO RAGS, AND PATCHED IT UP WITH SCRAPS AND ENDS OF FOREIGN--THIS S_ERVES HIM FOR WIT, AND THEY AP- PLAUD ONE ANOTHER ACCORDINGLY. HE BELIEVES THIS RAGGEDNES_S OF HIS DIS_COURS_E A GREAT DEMON- S_TRATION OF THE IMPROVEMENT OF HIS KNOWLEDGE ; AS (I) INNS-OF-COURT (I) MEN INTIMATE THEIR PROFICIENCY IN THE LAW BY THE TATTERS OF THEIR GOWNS- ALL THE WIT HE BROUGHT HOME WITH HIM IS LIKE FOREIGN COIN, OF A BAS_ER ALLOY THAN OUR OWN, AND S_O WILL NOT PAS_S HERE WITHOUT GREAT LOS_S. ALL NOBLE CREATURES, THAT ARE FAMOUS IN ANY VOL. II #CENTER L ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 146 A TRAVELLER. one Country, degenerate by being trans_planted; and thos_e of mean Value only improve--If it hold with Men, he falls among the Number of the latter, and his Improvements are little to his Credit. All he can s_ay for hims_elf is, his Mind was s_ick of a Cons_umption, and change of Air has cured him : For all his other Improvements have only been to eat in . . . . and talk with thos_e he did not unders_tand; to hold Intelligence with all Gazettes, and from the Sight of States_men in the Street unriddle the Intrigues of all their Councils, to make a wondrous Progres_s into Knowledge by riding with a Mes_s_enger, and advance In Politics by mounting of a Mule, run through all Sorts of Learning in a Waggon, and found all Depths of Arts in Felucca, ride pos_t into the Secrets of all States, and grow acquainted with their clos_e Des_igns in Inns and Hos_tleries; for cer- tainly there is great Virtue in Highways and Hedges to make an able Man, and a good Pros_pect cannot but let him s_ee far into Things. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER [147] DOUBLE RULE CENTER A CENTER CATHOLIC [S]AYS his Prayers often, but never prays, and [S] wors_hips the Cros_s more than (i) Christ (i). He prefers his Church merely for the Antiquity of it, and cares not how s_ound or rotten it be, s_o it be but old. He takes a liking to it as s_ome do to old Chees_e, only for the blue Rot- tennes_s of it. If he had lived in the primitive Times he had never been a (i) Christian (i); for the Antiquity of the (i) Pagan (i) and (i) Jewish (i) Religion would have had the s_ame Power over him against the (i) Christian, (i) as the old (i) Roman (i) has agains_t the modern Reformation. The weaker Ves_s_el he is, the better and more zealous Member he always proves of his Church; for Religion, like Wine, is not s_o apt to leak in a leathern Boraccio as a great Cas_k, and is better pre- s_erved in a s_mall Bottle s_topped with a light Cork, than a ves_s_el of greater Capacity, where the Spirits being more and s*tronger are the #Center L2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 148 #Center A CATHOLIC./ more apt to fret. He allows of all holy Cheats,/ and in content to be deluded in a true, ortho-/ dox, and infallible Way. He believes the (i) Pope (i)/ to be infallible, becaus_e he has deceived all the/ World, but was never deceived hims_elf, which/ was grown s_o notorious, that nothing les_s than/ an Article of Faith in the Church would make/ a Plas_ter big enough for the Sore. His Faith/ is too big for his Charity, and too unwieldy/ to work Miracles ; but is able to believe more/ than all the Saints in Heaven ever made. He/ worships Sainst in Effigie, as (i) Dutchmen (i) hand/ abs_ent Malefactors ; and has s_o weak a Me-/ mory, that he is apt to forget his Patrons,/ unles_s their Pictures prevent him. He loves/ to s_ee what he prays to, that he may not mis-/ take one Saint for another ; and his Beads and/ Crucifix are the Tools of his Devotion, with-/ out which it can do nothing. Nothing s_taggers/ his Faith of the (i) Pope's (i) Infallibility s_o much,/ as that he did not make away the Scriptures,/ when they were in his Power, rather than/ thos_e that believed in them, which he knows/ not how to unders_tand to be no Error. The/ les_s he unders_tands of his Religion, the more/ violent he is in it, which, being the perpetual/ Condition of all thos_e that are deluded, is a/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER A CATHOLIC. #JUSTIFYLEFT 149 GREAT ARGUMENT THAT HE IS MISTAKEN. HIS RE- LIGION IS OF NO FORCE WITHOUT CEREMONIES, LIKE A LOADS_TONE THAT DRAWS A GREATER WEIGHT THROUGH A PIECE OF IRON, THAN WHEN IT IS NAKED OF IT S_ELF. HIS PRAYERS ARE A KIND OF CRAMBE THAT USED TO KILL SCHOOLMASTERS ; AND HE VALUES THEM BY NUMBER, NOT WEIGHT. #CENTER L3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER [ 150 ] DOUBLE RULE CENTER A CENTER CURIOUS MAN [V]ALUES things not by their Us_e or [V]Worth, but Scarcity. He is very tender and s_crupulous of his Humour, as [i] Fantatics [i] are of their Cons_ciences, and both for the mos_t part in Trifles. He cares not how unus_eful any Thing be, s_o it be but unus_ual and rare. He collects all the Curious_ities he can light upon in Art or Nature, not to inform his own Judgement, but to catch the Admiration of o- thers, which he believes he has a Right to, be- caus_e the Rarities are his own. That which other Men neglect he believes they overs_ee, and s_tores up Trifles as rare Dis_coveries, at leas_t of his own Wit and Sagacity. He admires subtleties above all Things, becaus_e the more s_ubtle they are, the nearer they are to nothing; and values no Art but that which is s_pun s*o ------------------------------------------------------------------------ CENTER A CURIOUS MAN. 151 THIN, THAT IT IS OF NO US_E AT ALL. HE HAD RATHER HAVE AN IRON CHAIN HUNG ABOUT THE NECK OF A FLEA, THAN AN ALDERMAN'S OF GOLD, AND [I] HO- MER'S [I] ILIADS IN A NUTS_HEL THAN [I] ALEXANDER'S [I] CA- BINET. HE HAD RATHER HAVE THE TWELVE APOS_TLES ON A CHERRY-STONE, THAN THOS_E ON ST. [I] PETER'S [I] PORTICO, AND WOULD WILLINGLY S_ELL [I] CHRIST [I] AGAIN FOR THE NUMERICAL PIECE OF COIN, THAT [I] JUDAS [I] TOOK FOR HIM. HIS PERPETUAL DOTAGE UPON CURIOUS_ITIES AT LENGTH RENDERS HIM ONE OF THEM, AND HE S_HEWS HIMS_ELF AS NONE FO THE MEANES_T OF HIS RARITIES. HE S_O MUCH AFFECTS SINGULA- RITY, THAT RATHER THAN FOLLOW THE FAS_HION, THAT IS US_ED BY THE RES_T OF THE WORLD, HE WILL WEAR DIS_S_ENTING CLOATHS WITH ODD FANTAS_TIC DEVICES TO DIS_TINGUISH HIMS_ELF FROM OTHERS, LIKE MARKS S_ET UPON CATTLE. HE CARES NOT WHAT PAINS HE THROWS AWAY UPON THE MEANES_T TRIFLE, S_O IT BE BUT S_TRANGE, WHILE S_OME PITY, AND OTHERS LAUGH AT HIS ILL-EMPLOYED INDUS_TRY. HE IS ONE OF THOS_E, THAT VALUED [I] EPICTETUS'S [I] LAMP ABOVE THE EXCELLENT BOOK HE WRIT BY IT. IF HE BE A BOOK- MAN HE S_PENDS ALL HIS TIME AND STUDY UPON THINGS THAT ARE NEVER TO BE KNOWN. THE [I] PHILOS_OPHER'S STONE [I] AND [I] UNIVERS_AL MEDICINE CANNOT #CENTER L 4 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 152 A CURIOUS MAN. pos_s_ibly mis_s him, though he is s_ure to do them. He is wonderfully taken with abs_trus_e Know- ledge, and had rather hand to Truth with a Pair of Tongs wrapt up in Mys_teries and Hiero- glyphics, than touch it with his Hands, or s_ee it plainly demons_trated to his Sens_es. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] A RANTER I²s a _Fanatic_ Hector, that has found out by a very ſtrange Way of new Light, how to transform all the _Devils_ into _Angels of Light_ ; for he believes all Religion conſiſts in Looſeneſs, and that Sin and Vice is _the whole Duty of Man_. He puts off the _old Man_, but puts it on again upon the _new one,_ and makes his _Pagan_ Vices ſerve to preſerve his _Chriſtian_ Virtues from wearing out ; for if he ſhould uſe his Piety and Devotion al- ways it would hold out but a little while. He is loth that Iniquity and Vice ſhould be thrown away, as long as there may be good Uſe of it ; for if that, which is wickedly gotten, may be diſposed to pious Uſes, why ſhould not Wickedneſs itſelf as well? He believes himſelf Shot-free againſt all the Attempts of the _Devil,_ the _World,_ and the _Flesh,_ and therefore is not afraid to attack them in their own Quarters, and encounter them at their own Weapons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ For as ſtrong Bodies may freely venture to do, and ſuffer that, without any Hurt to them- ſelves, which would deſtroy thoſe that are feeble: So a Saint, that is ſtrong in Grace, may boldly engage himſelf in thoſe great Sins and Iniquities, that would eaſily damn a weak Brother, and yet come off never the worſe. He believes Deeds of Darkneſs to be only thoſe Sins that are committed in private, not thoſe that are acted openly and owned. He is but an _Hypocrite_ turned the wrong Side outward ; for, as the one wears his Vices within, and the other without, ſo when they are counter- changed the _Ranter_ becomes an _Hypocrite,_ and the _Hypocrite_ an able _Ranter._ His Church is the _Devil's_ Chappel ; for it agrees exactly both in Doctorine and Diſicipline with the beſt reform- ed Baudy-Houſes. He is a Monſter produced by the Madneſs of this latter Age ; but if it had been his Fate to have been whelped in old _Rome_ he had paſt for a Prodigy, and been re- ceived among raining of Stones and the ſpeak- ing of Bulls, and would have put a ſtop to all public Affairs, until he had been expiated. _Nero_ cloathed _Chriſtians_ in the Skins of wild Beaſts ; but he wraps wild Beaſts in the Skins of _Chriſtians_. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] A CORRUPT JUDGE P²ASSES Judgement as a Gameſter does falſe Dice. The firſt Thing he takes is his Oath and his Comiſſion, and afterwards the ſtrongeſt Side and Bribes. He gives Judg- ment, as the Council at the Bar are ſaid to give Advice, when they are paid for it. He wraps himſelf warm in Furs, that the cold Air may not ſtrike his Conſcience inward. He is never an upright Judge, but when he is weary of ſitting, and ſtands for his Eaſe. All the Uſe he make of his Oath is to oppoſe it againſt his Prince, for whoſe Service he firſt took it, and to bind him with that, which he firſt pre- tended to bind himſelf with; as if the King by imparting a little of his Power to him gave hi to Title to all the reſt, like thoſe who hold- ing a little Land in _Capite_ render all the reſt ------------------------------------------------------------------------ liable to the ſame Tenure. As for that which concerns the People, he takes his Liberty to do what he pleaſes ; this he maintains with Cant- ing, of which himſelf being the only Judge, he can give it what arbitrary Interpretation he pleaſes ; yet is a great Enemy to arbitrary Power, becauſe he would have no Body uſe it but himſelf. If he have Hope of Preferment he makes all the Law run on the King's Side ; if not, it always takes part againſt him ; for as he was bred to make any Thing right or wrong between Man and Man, ſo he can do between the King and his Subjects. He calls himſelf _Capitalis, &c._ which Word he never uſes but to Crimes of the higeſt Nature. He uſurps unſufferable Tyranny over Words ; for when he has enſlaved and debaſed them from their original Senſe, he makes them ſerves againſt themselves to ſupport him, and their own Abuſe. He is as ſtiff to Delinquents, and makes as harſh a Noiſe as a new Cart-wheel, until he is greaſed, and then he turns about as eaſily. He called all necceſſary and unavoidable Proceedings of State, without the punctual Formality of Law, arbitrary and illegal, but never conſiders, that his own Interpretation ------------------------------------------------------------------------ of Law are more arbitrary, and, when he pleaſes, illegal. He cannot be denied to be a very impartial Judge ; for right or wrong are all one to him. He takes Bribes, as pious Men give Alms, with ſo much Caution, that his right Hand never knows what his left re- ceives./ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_]/ / #AN/ #AMORIST/ / I²s an Artificer, or Maker of Love, a ſworn/ Servant to all Ladies, like an Officer in a/ Corporation. Though no one in particular/ will own any Title to him, yet he never fails,/ upon all Occaſions, to offer his Services, and/ they as ſeldom to turn it back again untouched./ He commits nothing with them, but himſelf to/ their good Graces ; and they recommend him/ back again to his own, where he finds ſo kind/ a Reception, that he wonders how he does/ fail of it every where elſe. His Paſſion is as/ eaſily ſet on Fire as a Fart, and as ſoon out/ again. He is charged and primed with Love-/ Powder like a Gun, and the leaſt Sparkle of an/ Eye gives Fire to him, and off he goes, but/ ſeldom, or never, hits the Mark. He has com-/ mon Places and Precedents of Repartees and/ Letters for all Occaſions ; and falls as readily/ into his Method of making love, as a Parſon/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ does into his Form of Matrimony. He con- verſes, as Angels are ſaid to do, by Intuition, and expreſſes himſelf by Sighs moſt ſignificant- ly. He follows his Viſits, as Men do their Buſineſs, and is very induſtrious in waiting on the Ladies, where his Affairs lie ; among which thoſe of greateſt Concernment are _Queſtions and Commands, Purpoſes,_ and other ſuch received Forms of With and Converſation ; in which he is ſo deeply ſtudied, that in all Queſtions and Doubts that ariſe, he is appealed to, and very learnedly declares, which was the moſt true and primitive Way of proceeding in the pureſt Times. For theſe Virtues he never fails of his Summons to all Balls, where he manages the Country-Dances with ſingular Judgment, and is frequently an Aſſiſtant at L'hombre; and theſe are all the Uſes they make of his Parts, beſide the Sport they give themſelves in laughing at him, which he takes for ſingular Favours, and interprets to his own Advantage, though it never goes further; for all his Employments being public, he is never admitted to any pri- vate Services, and they deſpiſe him as not Wo- man's Meat: For he applies to too many to be truſted by any one; as Baſtards by having many Fathers, have none at all. He goes often ------------------------------------------------------------------------ mounted in a Coach as a Convoy, to guard the Ladies, to take the Duſt in _Hyde-Park_; where by his prudent Management of the Glaſs Win- dows he ſecures them from Beggars, and re- turns fraught with China-Oranges and Ballads. Thus he is but a Gentleman-Uſher General, and his Buſineſs is to carry one Lady's Services to another, and bring back the others in Ex- change. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] AN ASTROLOGER I²S one that expounds upon the Planets, and teaches to conſtrue the _Accidents_ by the _due joining of Stars in Conſtruction._ He talks with them by dumb Signs, and can tell what they mean by their twinckling, and ſquinting upon one another, as well as they themſelves. He is a Spy upon the Stars, and can tell what they are doing, by the Company they keep, and the Houſes they frequent. They have no Power to do any Thing alone, until ſo many meet, as will make a _Quorum._He is Clerk of the Com- mittee to them, and draws up all their Orders, that concern either public or private Affairs. He keeps all their Accompts for them, and ſums them up, not by _Debtor,_ but by _Creditor_ alone, a more compendious Way. They do ill to make them have ſo much Authority over ------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Earth, which, perhaps, has as much as any one of them but the Sun, and as much Right to ſit and vote in their Councils, as any other : But becauſe there are but ſeven Electors of the _German_ Empire, they will allow of no more to diſpoſe of all other ; and moſt fooliſhly and unnaturally depoſe their own Parent of its Inheritance; rather than acknowledge a Defect in their own Rules. Theſe Rules are all they have to ſhew for their Title ; and yet not one of them can tell whether thoſe they had them from came honeſtly by them. _Virgil's_ Deſ- cription of _Fame,_ that reaches from Earth to the Stars, _tam ficti pravique tenax,_ to carry Lies and Knavery, will ſerve Aſtrologers with- out any ſenſible Variation. He is a Fortune- Seller, a Retailer of Deſtiny, and petty Chap- man to the Planets. He caſts Nativities as Gameſters do falſe Dice, and by ſlurring and palming _ſextile, quartile,_ and _trine,_ like _ſize,_ _quater, trois,_ can throw what chance he pleaſes. He ſets a Figure, as Cheats do a Main at Hazard ; and Gulls throw away their Money at it. He fetches the Grounds of his Art ſo far off, as well from Reaſon, as the Stars, that, like a Traveller, he is allowed to lye by Au- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ thority. And as Beggars, that have no Money themſelves, believe all others have, and beg of thoſe, that have as little as themſelves : So the ignorant Rabble believe in him, though he has no more Reaſon for what he profeſſes, than they. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] A QUIBBLER I²s a Jugler of Words, that ſhows Tricks with them, to make them appear what they were not meant for, and ſerve two Senſes at once, like one that plays on two _Jews_ Trumps. He is a Fencer of Language, that falſiſies his Blow, and hits where he did not aim. He Has a fooliſh Slight of Wit, that catches at Words only, and lets the Senſe go, like the young Thief in the Farce, that took a Purſe, but gave the Owner his Money back again. He is ſo well verſed in all Cafes of Quibble, that he knows when there will be a Blot upon a Word, as ſoon as it is out. He packs his Quibbles like a Stock of Cards, let him but ſhuffle, and cut where you will, he will be ſure to have it. He dances on a Rope of Sand, does the _Somerſet_, _Strapado_, and half-ſlrapado with Words, plays at all manner of Games ------------------------------------------------------------------------ with _Clinches_, _Carwickets_, and _Quibbles_, and talks _under-Leg_. His Wit is left-handed, and therefore what others mean for right, he ap- prehends quite contrary. All his Conceptions are produced by equivocal Generation, which makes them juſtly eſteemed but Maggots. He rings the Changes upon Words, and is ſo ex- pert, that he can tell at firſt Sight, how many Variations any Number of Words will bear. He talks with a _Trillo_, and gives his Words a double Reliſh. He had rather have them bear two Senſes in vain and impertinent- ly, than one to the Purpoſe, and never ſpeaks without a Lere-Senſe. He talks nothing but Equivocation and mental Reſervation, and mightily affects to give a Word a double Stroke, like a Tennis-Ball againſt two Walls at one Blow, to defeat the Expectation of his An- tagonift. He commonly ſlurs every fourth or fifth Word, and ſeldom fails to throw Dou- blets. There are two Sorts of Quibbling, the one with Words, and the other with Senſe, like the Rhetoricians _Figurae Dictionis & Figurae_ _Senteniae_ — The firſt is already cried down, [8]: _Without a Lere-Serſe] A Lere-Sterſe_ is a ſecond or supernume- rary Scale, as a Led-Horſe was formerly called a Lere-Harſe, See _Bailey’s_ Dictionary. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ and the other as yet prevails; and is the only Elegance of our modern Poets, which eaſy Judges call _Eaſineſs_; but having nothing in it But _Eaſineſs_, and being never uſed by any laſt- ing Wit, will in wiſer Times fall to nothing of itſselſ. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] A / WOOER S²TANDS Candidate for Cuckold, and if he miſs of it, it is none of his Fault; for his Merit is ſuſſiciently known. He is com monly no Lover, but able to paſs for a moſt deſperate one, where he finds it is like to prove of conſiderable Advantage to him; and there- fore has Paſſions lying by him of all Sizes pro- portionable to all Women’s Fortunes, and can be indifferent, melancholy, or ſtark-mad, ac- cording as their Eſtates give him Occaſion; and when he finds it is to no Purpoſe, can preſently come to himſelf again, and try another. He  proſecutes his Suit againſt his Miſtreſs as Clients do a Suit in Law, and does nothing without the Advice of his learned Council, omits no Advantage for want of ſoliciting, and, when He gets her Conſent, overthrows her. He en- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ deavors to match his Eſtate, rather than him- ſelſ, to the beſt Advantage, and is his Miſ- treſs’s Fortune and his do but come to an Agreement, their Perſons are eaſily ſatisſied, the Match is ſoon made up, and a Croſs Marriage between all four is prefeſtly concluded. He is not much concerned in his Lady’s Virtues, for if the Opinion of the _Stoics_ be true, _that the vir-_ _tuous are always rich_, there is no doubt, but ſhe that is rich muſt be virtuous. He never goes without a Liſt in his Pocket of all the Widows and Virgins about the Town, with Particulars of their Jointures, Portions, and Inheritances, that if one miſs he may not be without a Re- ſerve; for he eſteems _Cupid_ very improvident, if he has not more than two Strings to his Bow. When he wants a better Introduction, he begins his Addreſſes to the Chamber-maid, like one that ſues the Tenant to eject the Land- lord, and according as he thrives there makes his Approaches to the Miſtreſs. He can tell readily what the Difference is between Join- Ture with Tution of Infant, Land and Money of any Value, and what the Odds is to a Penny between them all, either to take or leave. He does not ſo much go a wooing as put in his Claim, as if all Men of Fortune ------------------------------------------------------------------------ had a fair Title to all Women of the ſame Quality, and therefore are ſaid to demand them in Marriage. But if he be a Wooer of For- tune, that deſigns to raiſe himſelſ by it, he makes wooing his Vocation, deals with all Matchmakers, that are his Setters, is very painful in his Calling, and, if he Buſineſs ſucceed, ſteals her away and commits Matri- mony with a ſelonious Intent. He has a great deſire to beget Money on the Body of a Wo- man, and as for other Iſſue is very indifferent, and cares not how old ſhe be, ſo ſhe be not paſt Money-bearing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] AN IMPUDENT MAN Is one, whoſe want of Money and want of Wit have engaged him beyond his Abilities. The little Knowledge he has of himſelf being ſuitable to the little he has in his Profeſſion has Made him believe himſelf fit for it. This double Ignorance has made him ſet a Value upon him- ſelf, as he that wants a great deal appears in a better Condition, than he that wants a little. This renders him confident, and fit for any Undertaking, and ſometimes (ſuch is the con- current Ignorance of the World) he proſpers In it, but oftner miſcarries, and becomes ri- diculous; yet this Advantage he has, that as nothing can make him ſee his Error, ſo he is fortified with his Ignorance, as barren and rocky Places are by their Situation, and he will rather believe that all Men want Judgment, ------------------------------------------------------------------------ than himſelf. For as no Man is pleaſed, that has an ill Opinion of himſelſ, Nature, that finds out Remedies herſelf, and his own Eaſe render him indefenſible of his Defects¬—From hence he grows impudent; for as Men judge by Compariſon, he knows as little what it is To be defective, as what it is to be excellent. Nothing renders Men modeſt, but a juſt Know- ledge how to compare themſelves with others; and where that is wanting, Impudence supplies the Place of it: for there is no Vacuum in the Minds of Men, and commonly, like other Things in Nature, they ſwell more with Rare- faction than Condenſation. The more Men know of the World, the worſe Opinion they have of it; and the more they underſtand of Truth, they are better acquainted with the Difficulties of it, and conſsequently are the leſs confident in their Aſſertions, eſpecially in mat- ters of Probability, which commonly is ſquint- ey’d, and looks nine Ways at once. It is the Office of a juſt Judge to hear both Parties, and he that conſiders but the one Side of Things can never make a juſt Judgment, though he may by Chance a true one. Impudence is the Baſtard of Ignorance, not only unlawfully, ------------------------------------------------------------------------ but inceſtouſsly begotten by a Man upon his own Underſtanding, and laid by himſelſ at his own Door, a Monſter of unnatural Pro- duction; for Shame is as much the Propriety of human Nature (though overſeen by the Philoſsophers) and perhaps more than Reaſon, Laughing, or looking aſquint, by which they diſtinguish Man from Beaſts; and the leſs Men have of it, the nearer they approach to the Nature of Brutes. Modeſty is but a noble Jealouſy of Honour, and Impudence the Proſ- titution of it; for he, whoſe Face is proof againſt Infamy, muſt be as little ſenſible of Glory. His Forehead, like a voluntary Cuck- old’s is by his Horns made Proof againſt a Bluſh. Nature made Man barefaced, and civil Cuſtom has preſerved him ſo; but he that’s im- pudent does wear a Vizard more ugly and de- formed than Highway Thieves diſguiſe them- ſelves with. Shame is the tender moral Con- ſcience of good Men. When there is a Crack In the Skull, Nature herſelf with a tough horny Callus repairs the Breach; ſo a flaw’d Intellect is with a brawny Callus Face ſupplied. The Face is the Dial of the Mind; and where they Do not go together, ‘tis a Sign, that one or Both are out of Order. He that is impudent ------------------------------------------------------------------------ is like a Merchant, that trades upon his Cre- dit without a Stock, and if his Debts were known, would break immediately. The Inſide of his Head is like the Outſide; and his Peruke as naturally of his own Growth, as his Wit. He paſſes in the World like a Piece of Counter- feit Coin, looks well enough until he is rubbed and worn with Uſe, and then his Copper Com- plexion begins to appear, and nobody will take Him, but by Owl-light. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_two rules_] AN IMITATOR Is a counterfeit Stone, and the larger and fairer he appears the more apt he is to be diſcovered, whilſt ſmall ones, that pretend to no great Value, paſs unſuſpected. He is made like a Man in Arras-Hangings, after ſome great Maſter’s Deſign, though far ſhort of the Ori ginal. He is like a Spectrum or walking Spirit that aſſumes the Shape of ſome particular Peſson, and appears in the Likeneſs of ſome- thing that he is not, becauſe he has no Shape of his own to put on. He has a Kind of Monkey and Baboon Wit, that takes after ſome Man’s Way, whom he endeavors to imitate, but does it worſse than thoſe Things that are na- turally his own; for he does not learn but take his Pattern out, as a Girl does her Sam- pler. His whole Life is nothing but a Kind of Education, and he is always learning to be ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ſomething that he is not, nor ever will be: For Nature is free, and will not be forced out of her Way, nor compelled to do any Thing againſt her own Will and Inclination. He is but a Retainer to Wit, and a Follower of his Maſter, whoſe Badge he wears every where, and therefore his Way is called _ſervile Imitation._ His Fancy is like the innocent Lady’s; who by looking on the Picture of a _Moor_ that hung in her Chamber conceived a Child of the ſame Complexion; for all his Conceptions are pro- duced by the Pictures of other Men’s Imagi- nations, and by their Features betray whoſe Baſtards they are. His Muſe is not inſpired but infected with another Man’s Fancy; and he catches his Wit, like the Itch, of ſomebody elſe that had it before, and when he writes he does but ſcratch himſelf. His Head is, like his Hat, faſhioned upon a Block, and wrought in a Shape of another Man’s Invention. He melts down his Wit, and caſts it in a Mold: and as metals melted and caſt are not ſo firm and ſolid, as thoſe that are wrought with the Hammer; ſo thoſe Compoſitions, that are founded and run in other Men’s Molds, are always more brittle and looſe than thoſe, that are forged in a Man’s own Brain. He binds ------------------------------------------------------------------------ himſelf Prentice to a Trade, which he has no Stock to ſet up with, if he ſhould ſerve out his Time, and live to be made free. He runs a whoring after another Man’s Inventions (for he has none of his own to tempt him to an incon- tinent Thought) and begets a Kind of Mun- grel Breed, that never comes to good. --- [_two rules_] AN ALDERMAN H²AS taken his Degree in Cheating, and the higheſt of his Faculty ; or paid for refuſing his _MANDAMUS_. He is a Peer of the City, and a Member of their upper Houſe, Who, as ſoon as he arrives at ſo many thouſand Pounds, is bound by the Charter to ſerve the Public with ſo much Underſtanding, what ſhift ſoever he make to raiſe it, and wear a Chain about his Neck like a Raindeer, or in Default to commute, and make Satisfaction in ready Money, the beſt Reaſon of the Place; for which hi has the Name only, like a titular Prince, and is an _Alderman extraordinary_. But if his Wife can prevail with him to ſtand, he becomes one of the City-ſupporters, and, like the Unicorn in the King's Arms, wears a Chain about his Neck very right-worſhipfully. He wears Scarlet, as the Whore of _Babylon_ does, not for her honeſty, but the Rank and Quality ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ſhe is of among the Wicked, When he ſits as a Judge in his Court he is abſolute, and uſes arbitrary Power ; for he is not bound to un- derſtand what he does, nor render an Account why he gives Judgment on one Side rather than another ; but his Will is ſufficient to ſtand for his Reaſon, to all Intents and Purpoſes. He does no public Buſineſs without eating and drinking, and never meets about Matters of Im- portance, but the Cramming his Inſide is the moſt weighty Part of the Work of the Day. He diſpatches no public Affair until he has thoroughly dined upon it, and is fully ſatisfied with Quince-Pye and Cuſtard : for Men are wiſer, the _Italians_ ſay, after their Bellies are full, than when they are faſting, and he is very cautious to omit no Occaſion of improving his Parts that Way. He is ſo careful of the In- tereſt of his Belly, and manages it ſo induſ- triouſly, that in a little Space it grows great and takes Place of all the reſt of his Members, and becomes ſo powerful, that they will never be in a Condition to rebel againſt it any more. He is cloathed in Scarlet the Livery of his Sins, like the rich Glutton, to put him in Mind of what Means he came to his Wealth and Pre- ferment by. He makes a Trade of his Eat- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ing, and, like a Cock, ſcrapes when he feeds ; for the Public pays for all and more, which he and his Brethren ſhare among themſelves ; for they never make a dry Reckoning. When he comes to be Lord-Mayor he does not keep a great Houſe, but a very great Houſe-warming for a whole Year ; for though he invites all the _Companies_ in the City he does not treat them, but they club to entertain him, and pay the Reckoning beforehand. His Fur-gown makes him look a great deal bigger than he is, like the Feathers of an Owl, and when he pulls it off, he looks as if he were fallen away, or like a Rabbet, had his Skin pulled off. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A QUAKER I²S a Scoundrel Saint, of an Order without Founder, Vow, or Rule ; for he will not ſwear, nor be tyed to any Thing, but his own Humour. He is the Link-Boy of the Sectaries, and talks much of his Light, but puts it under a Buſhel, for nobody can ſee it but himſelf. His Religion is but the cold Fit of an Ague, and his Zeal of a contrary Temper to that of all others, yet produces the ſame Effects ; as cold Iron in _Greenland_, they ſay, burns as well as hot ; which makes him delight, like a Salamander, to live in the Fire of Perſecution. He works out his Salvation, not with _Fear_, but _Confidence_ _and Trembling_. His Profeſſion is but a Kind of Winter-Religion ; and the Original of it as uncertain as the hatching of Woodcocks, for no Man can tell from whence it came. He Vapours much of the Light within him, but no ſuch Thing appears, unleſs he means as he ------------------------------------------------------------------------ is light-headed. He believes he takes up the Croſs in being croſs to all Mankind. He de_ lights in Perſecution, as ſome old extravagant Fornicators find a Lechery in being whipt ; and has no Ambition but to go to Heaven in what he calls a fiery Chariot, that is, a Wood- monger’s Faggot Cart. You may perceive he has a Crack in his Skull by the flat Twang of his Noſe, and the great Care he takes to keep his Hat on, leſt his ſickly Brains, if he have any, ſhould take Cold at it. He believes his Doctrine to be heavenly, becauſe it agrees per- fectly with the _Motus Trepidationis_. All his Hopes are in the _Turks_ overrunning of Chriſ- tendom, becauſe he has heard they count Fools and Madmen Saints, and doubts not to paſs muſter with them for great Abilities that Way. This makes him believe he can convert the _Turk_, tho’ he could do no good on the _Pope_, or the _Preſbyterian_. Nothing comes ſo near his quak- ing Liturgy, as the Papiſtical Poſſeſſions of the _Devil_, with which it conforms in Diſcipline exact. His Church, or rather Chapel, is built upon a flat Sand, without ſuperior or inferior in it, and not upon a Rock, which is never found without great Inequalities. Next De_ moniacs he moſt reſembles the Reprobate, who ------------------------------------------------------------------------ are ſaid to be condemned to Weeping and Gnaſhing of Teeth. There was a Botcher of their Church, that renounced his Trade and turned Preacher, becauſe he held it ſuperſtiti- ous to ſit _croſs-legged_. His Devotion is but a Kind of ſpiritual Palſy, that proceeds from a Diſtemper in the Brain, where the Nerves are rooted. They abhor the Church of _England_, but conform exactly with thoſe primitive Fa- thers of their Church, that heretofore gave An- ſwers at the _Devil_’s Oracles, in which they ob- ſerved the very ſame Ceremony of quaking and and gaping now practiſed by our modern En_ thuſiaſts at their Exorciſms, rather than Ex- erciſes of Devotion. He ſucks in the Air like a Pair of Bellows, and blows his inward Light with it, till he dung Fire, as Cattle do in _Lin_- _colnſhire_. The general Ignorance of their whole Party make it appear, that whatſoever their Zeal may be, it is not _according to Know_- _ledge_. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A VINTNER H²ANGS out his Buſh to ſhew he has not good Wine ; for that, the Proverb ſays, needs it not. If wine were as neceſſary as Bread, he would ſtand in the Pillory for ſelling falſe Meaſure, as well as Bakers do for falſe Weight ; but ſince it is at every Man’s Choice to come to his Houſe or not, thoſe that do, are guilty of half the Injuries he does them, and he believes the reſt to be none at all, becauſe no Injury can be done to him, that is willing to take it. He had rather ſell bad Wine, than good that ſtands him in no more, for it makes Men ſooner drunk, and then they are the eaſier over-reckoned. By the Knaveries he acts above-board, which every Man ſees, one may eaſily take a Meaſure of thoſe he does under Ground in his Cellar ; for he that will pick a Man’s Pocket to his Face, will not ſtick to uſe him worſe in private when he knows no- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ thing of it. When he has poiſoned his Wines he raiſes his Price, and to make amends for that abates his Meaſure, for he thinks it a greater Sin to commit Murder for ſmall Gains, than a valuable Conſideration. He does not only ſpoil and deſtroy his Wines, but an ancient reverend Proverb, with brewing and racking, that ſays, _In vino veritas_, for there is no Truth in his, but all falſe and ſophiſtica- ted ; for he can counterfeit Wine as cunningly as _Apelles_ did Grapes, and cheat Men with it, as _he_ did Birds. He brings every Bottle of Wine he draws to the _Bar_, to confeſs it to be a Cheat, and afterwards puts himſelf upon the Mercy of the Company. He is an _Anti-_ _chriſtian_ Cheat ; for Chriſt turned Water into Wine, and he turns Wine into Water. He ſcores all his Reckonings upon two Tables made like thoſe of the ten Commandments, that he may be put in Mind to break them as oft as poſſibly he can ; eſpecially that of ſtealing and bearing falſe Witneſs againſt his Neighbour, when he draws him bad Wine and ſwears it is good, and that he can take more for the Pipe than the Wine will yield him by the Bottle, a Trick that a _Jesuit_ taught him to cheat his ------------------------------------------------------------------------ own Conſcience with. When he is found to over-reckon notoriouſly, he has one common Evaſion for all, and that is to ſay it was a Miſtake, by which he means, that he thought they had not been ſober enough to diſcover it ; for if it had paſt, there had been no Error at all in the Caſe. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A LOVER I²S a Kind of _Goth_ and _Vandal_, that leaves his native Self to ſettle in another, or a Planter that forſakes his Country, where he was born, to labour and dig in _Virginia_. His Heart is catched in a Net with a Pair of bringht ſhining Eyes, as Larks are with Pieces of a looking-Glaſs. He makes heavy Com_ plaints againſt it for deſerting of him, and deſires to have another in Exchange for it, which is a very unreaſonable Requeſt ; for if it betrayed its boſom Friend, what will it do to a Stranger, that ſhould give it Truſt and Entertainment ? He binds himſelf, and cries out he is robbed of his Heart, and charges the Innocent with it, only to get a good Com- poſition, or another for it, againſt Con- ſcience and Honeſty. He talks much of his ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Flame, and pretends to be burnt by his Miſ- treſs’s Eyes, for which he requires Satisfaction from her, like one that ſets his Houſe on Fire to get a Brief for charitable Contributions. He makes his Miſtreſs all of Stars, and when ſhe is unkind, rails at them, as if they did ill Offices between them, and being of her Kin ſet her againſt him. He falls in Love as Men fall ſick when their Bodies are inclined to it, and imputes that to his Miſtreſſes Charms, which is really in his own Temper ; for when that is altered, the other vaniſhes of it ſelf, and therefore one ſaid not amiſs, ------The Lilly and the Roſe Not in her Cheeks, but in thy Temper grows. When his Deſires are grown up, they ſwarm, and fly out to ſeek a new Habitation, and whereſoever they light they fix like Bees, among which ſome late Philoſophers have obſerved that it is a Female that leads all the reſt. Love is but a Clap of the Mind, a Kind of run- ning of the Fancy, that breaks out, if it be not ſtopped in Time, into Botches of heroic Rime ; for all Loverrs are poets for the Time ------------------------------------------------------------------------ being, and make their Ladies a Kind of mo- ſaic Work of ſeveral coloured Stones joined together by a ſtrong Fancy, but very ſtiff and unnatural ; and though they ſteal Stars from Heaven, as _Prometheus_ did Fire, to animate them, all will not make them alive, nor alives-liking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A BANKRUPT I²S made by breaking, as a Bird is hatched by breaking the Shell, for he gains more by giving over his Trade, than ever he did by dealing in it. He drives a Trade, as _Oliver_ _Cromwel_ did a Coach, till it broke in Pieces. He is very tender and careful in preſerving his Credit, and keeps it as methodically as a Race-nag is dieted, that in the End he may run away with it: for he observes a punctual Curioſity in performing his Word, until he has improved his Credit as far as it can go ; and then he has catched the Fiſh, and throws away the Net ; as a Butcher, when he has fed his Beaſt as fat as it can grow, cuts the Throat ------------------------------------------------------------------------ of it. When he has brought his Deſign to Perfection, and diſpoſed of all his Materials, he lays his Train, like a Powder Traytor, and gets out of the way, while he blows up all thoſe that truſted him. After the Blow is given there is no Manner of Intelligence to be had of him for ſome Months, until the Rage and Fury is ſomewhat digeſted, and all Hopes vaniſhed of ever recovering any Thing of Body, or Goods, for Revenge, or Reſtitution ; and then Propoſitions of Treaty and Accommoda- tion appear, like the Sign of the _Hand and Pen_ out of the Clouds, with Conditions more un- reaſonable than Thieves are wont to demand for Reſtitution of ſtolen Goods. He ſhoots like a Fowler at a whole Flock of Geeſe at once, and ſtalks with his Horſe to come as near as poſſibly he can without being perceived by any one, or giving the leaſt Suſpicion of his Deſign, until it is too late to prevent it ; and then he flies from them, as they ſhould have done before from him. His Way is ſo com- monly uſed in the City, that he robs in a Road, like a Highwayman, and yet they will never arrive at Wit enough to avoid it ; for it is done ------------------------------------------------------------------------ upon Surpriſe ; and as Thieves are commonly better mounted than thoſe they rob, he very eaſily makes his Eſcape, and flies beyond Per- ſuit of Huon-cries, and there is no Poſſibility of overtaking him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [_double rule_] A RIBALD I²S the Devil’s Hypocrite, the endeavours to make himſelf appear worſe than he is. His evil Words and bad Manners ſtrive which ſhall moſt corrupt one another, and it is hard to ſay which has the Advantage. He vents his Lechery at the Mouth, as ſome Fiſhes are ſaid to engender. He is an unclean Beaſt that chews the Cud ; for after he has ſatisfied his Lust, he brings it up again into his Mouth to a ſecond Enjoyment, and plays an After- game of Letchery with his Tongue much worſe than that which the _Cunnilingi_ uſed among the old _Romans._ He ſtrips Nature ſtark-naked, and clothes her in the moſt fantaſtic and ridiculous Faſhion a wild Imagination can invent. He is worſe and more naſty than a Dog ; for in his broad Deſcriptions of others obſcene Actions he does but lick up the Vomit of ano- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ther Man’s Surfeits. He tells Tales out of a vaulting School. A leud baudy Tale does more Hurt, and gives a worſe Example than the Thing of which it was told ; for the Act extends but to a few, and if it be concealed goes no further ; but the Report of it is un- limited, and may be conveyed to all People, and all Times to come. He expoſes that with his Tongue, which Nature gave Women Mo- deſty, and brute Beaſts Tails to cover. He miſtakes Ribaldry for Wit, though nothing is more unlike, and believes himſelf to be the finer Man the filthier he talks ; as if he were above Civility, as _Fanatics_ are above Ordinan- ces, and held nothing more ſhameful than to be aſhamed of any Thing. He talks nothing but _Aretine_’s Pictures, as plain as the _Scotch_ Dia- lect, which is eſteemed to be the moſt copious and elegant of the Kind. He improves and huſbands his Sins to the beſt Advantage, and makes one Vice find Employment for another ; for what he acts looſely in private, he talks as looſely of in public, and finds as much Pleaſure in the one as the other. He endeavours to make himſelf Satisfaction for the Pangs his Claps and Botches put him to with ------------------------------------------------------------------------ vapouring and bragging how he came by them. He endeavours to purchaſe himſelf a Reputation by pretending to that which the beſt Men abominate, and the worſt value not, like one that clips and waſhes falſe Coin, and ventures his Neck for that which will yield him nothing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [1] _Whatſoever he hears well ſaid_, &tc. ] In this _Butler_ alludes to _Martial_'s Epigram to _Fidentinus_. [_footnote cont. next page_][^2] [2] _Whatſoever he hears well ſaid_, &tc. ] In this _Butler_ alludes to _Martial_'s Epigram to _Fidentinus_. [_footnote cont. next page_][^2] [3] [_footnote for next page_] _We read that Virgil uſed to make_, &c.] This alludes to a Paſſage in the Life of _Virgil_ aſcribed to _Donatus_. “ Cum Georgica ſcribe- “ ret traditur quotidie meditatos mane plurimos verſus dictare ſo- “ litus, ac per totum diem retracando ad pauciſſimos redigrere : “ non abſurde carmen ſe urſæ more parere dicens, et lambendo “ demum effingere. [4] _As_ Seneca _ſays he was in that of a farm_.] _Seneca_ in his 86th Epiſtle finds ſeveral Faults with _Virgil_'s Rules and Obſervations in Huſbandry, as they are delivered in his _Georgics_, and adds of him --- “ Qui non quod veriſſime, ſed quid decentiſſime diceretur, ad- “ ſpexit ; nec Agricolas docere voluit, ſed legentes delectare.” [5] _So they did him to feed with Horſes_] This muſt be explained by the ſame Writer of _Virgil_’s Life, who informs us, that _Virgil_ in his Youth ſtudied Phyſic, in which having made great Proficiency, he repaired to _Rome_, and applying himſelf to that Branch of it [_footnote cont. next page_][^6] [6] _Like him that made Plato_, &c.] Who this Blunder is to be fa- thered upon I cannot diſcover ; but that which he imputes to _Per_- _ſius_, and another of _Juvenal_’s, a Paſſage of his own in a Part of his Proſe Collections called _Criticiſms upon Books and Autohrs_, will ex- plain --- _Persius_, ſays he, commits a very great Abſurdity, when laying the Scene of his fourth Satyr in _Greece_, and bringing in _So_- _crates_ reproving a young Stateſmen, he makes him call the _Græ_- _cians_ Quirites. [_footnote cont. next page_][^8] [7] _Some of the old_ Latin _Poets_, &c.] Thus _Horace_ [8] _Whatſoever he hears well ſaid_, &tc. ] In this _Butler_ alludes to _Martial_'s Epigram to _Fidentinus_. [_footnote cont. next page_][^2]